I'm supposed to be in bed by 9 o'clock, but sometimes I sneak out and go to the chippy called McDonald's, Stockport Rd, Timperley, North Cheshire (061-904 0600). You can sit outside on the bench and watch the cars go by, or walk down to the Fresh Nest Farm (061-980 3568) and feed the rabbits. They don't like kebabs though, they like lettuce. The local pub is the Stonemason's Arms (061-980 4498). It used to be called the Naked Child in the Twenties, but the locals objected, took the carved sign down and named it after the owner. You can get a fantastic half of shandy there. You can have bitter shandy, lager shandy or shandy shandy. It's locals mostly - darts players and romantic couples who like snogging and all that business.
Timperley Aquatics (061-904 0724) is open until 9pm. You can go there and look at the fish. Timperley has a good Indian restaurant called The Hilal (061-980 4090), which is huge; you can get a table for 100 people, and some of the curries are so hot you need a sun visor.
I've been to Manchester. I went to the Hacienda (061-236 5051) nightclub, but you have to dance like a loony and queue for eight hours to get in. Oh and there's a fantastic pub on the Isle of Man on Douglas pier called The Bushes Bar where they have amber traffic lights to show when it's last orders.
Frank Sidebottom, comic character, plays the Liverpool Festival of Comedy (10-19 Jun) 9.30pm Fri 17 Jun, Queen's Square Festival Marquee
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