Creativity

HAVING ALWAYS only been a custodian of this column, this will be my last adjudication of our communal efforts. Fortunately, someone ideally suited to the task will be taking over from next week. For his own reasons, he prefers to remain anonymous. Suggestions as to who he might be will be met with teasing silences. Thank you all for a most diverting few months.

You were last asked to dream up inappropriate Christmas presents and their recipients. Andrew Duncan wishes to send a subscription to Gay Times to Lord Norman Tebbit. Peter B Thomas covered two entire sheets of closely typed A4 with dreadful puns including: Bill Cash - four questions; the Taoiseach - a Bertie Truss; Matthew Parris - outerwear; Tony Blair - a dictatorphone; and William Hague - presence. Patrick Daunt suggests Harrods gift vouchers for Neil and Christine Hamilton and fishfingers for Delia Smith.

Duncan Bull has a French dictionary for Geoff Boycott, Luela Palmer is sending a mink coat to Brigitte Bardot, and Eddie Dalling has a recipe for venison stew for Santa. RS and SA Edmundson recommend his'n' hers towels for a gay couple, a packet of figs for the aunt with false teeth and a red rose for poor old William Hague. Geoff Lindey has a banjo for Louis de Bernieres. C Douglas suggests a megaphone for Matthew Parris and a First Chemistry Set for Saddam Hussein. RA Carter sends an Amex card to Fidel Castro and a Barclaycard to the Duchess of York. Douglas Whetterly suggests a copy of the New Labour manifesto for Tony Blair and some City of Westminster teaspoons for Dame Shirley Porter. Len Clarke suggests colour charts for the Metropolitan Police and pins for Richard Branson. James A Kelly has some Vanish stain remover for Monica, a personal stereo for Helen Keller and a sense of humour for Gordon Brown. Patrizia Gargulio was going to buy Peter Mandelson a briefcase, but now sees no point as he has his own portfolio.

Chambers Dictionaries of Quotations to Peter B Thomas and Patrizia Gargulio. Meanwhile, Bruce Birchall once again leaves us with a challenge. Martine McCutcheon has announced that she is to leave EastEnders, where she plays Tiffany. Readers are invited to dream up improbable storylines that allow her to extricate herself from Albert Square with maximum impact on the ratings.

Suggestions, please, to Creativity, The Independent, Features, 18th Floor, 1 Canada Square, Canary Wharf, London E14 5DL. The top two, or three, depending on whether anyone has won one for suggesting the week's theme, will win a copy of the Chambers Dictionary of Quotations. Results two weeks from today. Thank you and goodbye.