Day Out

I think my ideal day would soon become a typical working day. I would be woken with breakfast by my live-in lover, comedian Bob Dillinger, and while away the early hours sitting in front of the TV waiting for GMTV to finish. Then I'd summon him to turn the set on. After a luxurious bath I'd sit down at the piano and begin work on my latest project, next year's Eurovision song contest entry. Then I'd drive to my lunchtime jazz gig at the Oriel Wine Bar, in Sloane Square, London SW1 which is very pleasant. I play piano and sing and am ignored for two hours until I announce 'I'll leave you with one last song' to which a voice from the bar says 'Oh just leave'. Then in the afternoon, I'd get into character for my impersonation of Bjork, who is one of the characters in my show. For motivation I wander the streets dressed in a blanket and my dad's old hiking boots. I am pestered for two hours by passers-by attempting to buy the Big Issue off me. I'd go for Indian or Chinese meals during the day, probably to one of my locals in South Harrow - either the Jaflong Restaurant (081-864 7345) in Northolt Road or The Cathay Express in the same road (081-423 6101), which is a takeaway.

I'm a couch potato really - I prefer ready- made meals from Tesco. I steer clear of pubs because they remind me of the jazz and comedy circuit and they're all horrible and smoky except maybe the King's Head in Crouch End.

At night, I'd drive to perform my one-woman comedy show at Holloway Prison. I'm told it's not part of their rehabilitation programme but their punishment.

Sue Beard plays jazz: tomorrow at the Dome Cafe, Islington, London N7 (071-226 3414); 20 Apr Oriel Wine Bar, London SW1 (071-730 2804); 29 Apr Exeter Arts Centre (0392 219741); 15 May Pizza On The Park, London SW1 (071-235 5273)

(Photograph omitted)