Dilemmas: Should I throw out my drug-dealer son?

Anne's 24-year-old son lives at home, stays in bed till late, watches TV and gets extra money from drug-dealing.Though clever, he dropped out of A-levels. His father wants to throw him out, but Anne worries he'd get further into drugs and end up in prison. What should she do?

VIRGINIA'S ADVICE

Apart from the drug-dealing and the age, Anne's son could be me as a 19-year-old. I never took A-levels, dropped out of secretarial college and art school, dropped out of finishing school in France, and spent a good nine months mooching around at home wondering what to do and feeling depressed and aimless. God knows how I survived, but had there been drugs readily available to deal in, who knows - I might have supplemented my income by buying small bits of dope and flogging them to friends.

I wasn't thrown out of home, but events took place that forced me to think about getting somewhere of my own, and that got me started. As for Anne's son, there is no real reason for the status quo to change. He's got a bed, he's got food, he's got television; and every night he can go out, get stoned, do a few deals and roll back home.

Smoking dope, which presumably he does, will take away most of his motivation, and so the situation could well go on for ever. He is 24, which is a bit elderly to be doing the loafing-around number, and the longer he stays at home doing nothing, the less self-respect he will have, the longer the gap will be on his CV, and the more depressed he'll be.

Probably it would be kindest to encourage him to move out. He could be given lots of time, and some financial help. At least he would have to get up in the morning to look for rooms. And if he became a drug-dealer it would be terribly sad, but at 24 he has to take responsibility for his own life and its consequences. The last policeman I talked to, who was head of a London section, said he longed for drugs to be legalised because drug-dealing kept young people off the streets and in work.

And if he did end up in prison, at least he'd have endless opportunities for doing good and bad. As he is, he is barely living. Better to have lived and lost than never to have lived at all. But that's obviously not an option it's easy to risk when your own son's involved. My advice would be to pay for him to go round the world, if Anne could afford it. Make him into a ticket-of-leave man. Ensure that the first stop is not Amsterdam, but rather Australia, staying with a cheery, outdoorsy sheep farmer. This is a way of getting rid of him but disguising it as an exciting experience. Which it is. If he goes to India, he cannot fail to appreciate how incredibly lucky he is. If he stays with Anne, he will know nothing but the patterns on his own four walls, the glimmer of daytime TV and the gloomy smell of dope down the pub. No life for a young man. Or indeed anyone.

READERS' SUGGESTIONS

I know how he feels

I think that I am similar to your son. I have always been multi-talented and of above average intelligence. I have a problem of not being able to stick to any one project for long.

After school, I was torn between art school, and doing a business degree. I am now at Nottingham university, but recently went over a rough patch and threatened to drop out in favour of art school.

Fortunately, my parents were firm and told me that they wouldn't support me to go to art school until I had finished my degree.

I think you should tell your son that you will not support him at home any longer, but will pay for him to gain qualifications, then help him find a place to stay. Perhaps you should help in guiding him to a career that utilises his creativity, and involves a lot of dynamic change.

NAME AND ADDRESS SUPPLIED

Aim for a happy life

My brother, now 57, has never stuck at anything for more than two or three years but he's successfully mastered and practised a huge number of skills. He's been a commercial traveller, a jobbing builder, a district councillor, a sheep-breeder... I am sure my parents were worried about him when he was in his twenties, but he's had a happy life and has a lovely family and host of friends - what more could one ask?

JOHN HAWGOOD

Durham

Be cruel to be kind

Ten years ago, I relied on my grandparents for everything. I was into drugs, and stole money from them to fund my diversions. I believe this was because I suffered from cataclysmically low self-esteem. But the reason was that I never did anything constructive. Anyway, I was finally asked to leave their home, and drifted into a series of low-paying clerical jobs, until finally I got my act together and went back to school. Now I am about to get my degree, and have a place on a graduate trainee programme. I value my achievements because I have earned them, rather than had them bestowed upon me.

Forcing me to leave home was the best thing my grandparents ever did for me. You may want a good life for your son, but if he chooses not to accept your gifts you can't force him to. It's up to him.

B FOWLER

NEXT WEEK'S DILEMMA

Dear Virginia,

My girlfriend and I have been living together for three years and things haven't really been going right, despite lots of talking. Now she wants a trial separation. I worry that once we part we'll never get back together again. Should I insist on hanging on, or should I go?

Yours sincerely, Brian

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