FILM: FIVE BIG-BUCK TURKEYS

1

The Avengers (2)

What you get from The Avengers is a crushing greyness. If Steed and Peel are not especially bothered by poisoned darts, evil doppelgangers or a swarm of mechanical armoured wasps, why should we be?

2

Godzilla (PG)

If Godzilla reminds you of anything as it climbs from the city sewers, it's crabby old man struggling out of bed on a December morning. Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich's sense of fun is only fleetingly evident.

3

Deep Impact (2)

With characters like a lovestruck teenage astronomer and touchy- feely US President as representative of the human race, it's hard to care about the extinction of mankind. Bring on the Apocalypse, NOW!

4

Armageddon (2)

This deeply stupid film purports to be a tender love story, a meaty action-adventure and a global disaster movie. No one involved seems to have realised that this can only result in a tedious jumble.

5

Dr Dolittle (PG)

Eddie Murphy makes a somewhat less likely Rex Harrison than Philip Schofield in the current stage revival. If it is butt-jokes and flatulent rodents you demand, then this film will meet your requirements.