Dan Bacon: How to Talk to a Woman Who is Wearing Headphones - a short screenplay

(Dan Bacon)

Dan Bacon aka The Mordern Man aka The Pedestrian Accoster appalled the internet today with a blog post entitled ‘How to Talk to a Woman Who is Wearing Headphones’.

Full of subtle tips like ‘Stand in front of her (1 to 1.5 meters) and … wave your hand in her direct line of vision’ it reads more like a guide to successfully using a hand dryer than interacting with a real live human being, and comes with a starter conversation to get other would-be nuisances off the blocks.

Here I give it a more realistic edit and explore its potential as a short:

You: [Smile in a friendly, confident manner] :) Hey – I know it’s not normal for people to talk to someone with headphones in, but I was walking along and saw you and thought – wow, she’s a cutie, I have to say hi. I’m Dan, what’s your name?

Woman: [Usually flattered by the compliment and impressed by your confidence to approach her like that Baring teeth] Back off or so help me god I will dropkick you into that canal.

You: [Add in some humor] Cool…nice to meet you Jessica. I don’t normally talk to girls with headphones, but your big green headphones were just calling out to me.

Woman: [Most likely laughing, smiling and enjoying the interaction Assuming the expression and demeanour of the Alien when it bursts out of John Hurt’s chest] And your individually-toed running shoes were calling out to me. I was thinking, 'what absolute weapon actually wears those?', but then you opened your mouth and used the word ‘cutie’ and it all made sense.

You: [Let her know that you have something to do/somewhere to go, so she understands that you’re not going to stand there talking to her for 30 minutes] Anyway, so I’m just out doing a bit of shopping at the moment. I’m on my way to a store up the street. How’s your day going so far?

Woman: Terribly. I was 78 minutes into a podcast when you started saying things with your mouth and now I’m going to have to work back in 15-second increments to find where I was up to. What are you shopping for, microwavable pulled pork and a DVD of The Hangover Part III? If it’s a can of whoop ass you’re looking for I might be able to help.

You: Attempt to placate/impress her by looking at your fitness tracker and saying ‘phew, just another 8,000 calories to burn then(!). [Pause] Awh crap, I was supposed to think that bit, not say it!

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Woman: [Tiring of your shit] Lol.

You: [Flexing muscles in an apologetic and yet patriarchal manner] Look, can we start over? I’m really a great guy. And that’s an evidence-based claim, you can read testimonials and user ratings from every woman who has ever allowed me to be in her vicinity. It’s all online.

Woman: [Silent]

You: Ah screw it, you stuck up bitch!

Audio cue: John Carpenter-esque synth line

WOMAN chokes MAN using the cable of her headphones, while informing him they’re actually more of a teal colour.

You: [With dying breath]: Ha you don’t even have Bluetooth headphones! I never wanted you anyway.

Jump cut to later that day. A dog on a nearby barge has his nose over the edge of the boat and is inhaling deeply. The barge owner, upon hearing noise, exits the boat to find his dog chewing on a leg, the foot of which is still covered by a five-toed shoe. The iPod Shuffle attached to the corpse is somehow still working; a motivational remixes playlist including four songs by Robin Thicke diffuses into the night air.