Cara Delevingne has revealed that coming to terms with her sexuality made her feel suicidal.
The 28-year-old, who identifies as pansexual, told actor Gwyneth Paltrow’s wellness podcast that she suffered from “massive depression” while grappling with her sexuality, and still occasionally wishes she “could just be straight”.
People who identify as pansexual are not limited in their attraction by gender identity or biological sex.
The model and actor said she connected her depression and “the suicidal moments of my life” to her sexuality struggles “because I was so ashamed”.
“I didn’t know anyone who was gay,” she explained. “I didn’t know that was a thing and actually I think growing up ... I wasn’t knowledgeable of the fact I was homophobic. The idea of same sex [partners], I was disgusted by that, in myself. I was like, ‘Oh my God, I would never, that’s disgusting, ugh’.”
She added: “There is still a part of me where I’m like, ‘Oh, I wish I could just be straight’. There is still that side to it. It is really complicated. But actually that was the part of me that I [now] love so much and accept”.
Delevingne went on to discuss her own modelling career and how she found a more androgynous style.
“I was so unhappy and I wasn’t following my truth, especially in terms of being a model”, she said. “That whole thing of having to fit into the box – I’m an androgynous person. I love being a woman and dressing up and doing all that, but I also love being a rough and tumble ‘man’. I feel so much more comfortable in the fluidity of what it is to be just a human and to be an animal, almost, because that’s what we are. To trust in your own instincts.”
Last year the BBC announced that Delevingne would host a six-part documentary on sexuality, called Planet Sex, in which she would “put her mind and body on the line.”
In the press release she said: “I can only imagine what having a series like this would have meant to the 14-year-old me who struggled to understand feelings that were seen as non-conventional or different. If our series helps one young person have an easier conversation with their parents, we will have achieved one of our many goals in making this series.”
In the US, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline for free and confidential support at 1-800-273-8255. You can also chat with a counselor online.
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