Goal 2: Living the Dream (12A)

Despite the subtitle, Goal 2: Living The Dream isn't an adaptation of Chantelle's autobiography, although if it had been, it couldn't have been any more vapid than this poorly written, poorly acted apologia for multi-millionaire footballers. For those readers who didn't see the first film, and I'd assume that's almost all of you, it was about a Mexican kid who was plucked from the streets of Los Angeles and signed for Newcastle United. In part two he's off to Real Madrid, but he's still a squeaky-clean paragon: there are no drugs, orgies or headbutts here, which was presumably a condition imposed by the many genuine players who cameo. You think it's all over? Goal 3 is already in the works.