St George's Day (18)

Frank Harper is a decent actor, and I wish he'd stayed just that. His directorial debut is a pitifully derivative package of Britcrim villainy, a Guy Ritchie knock-off, and features so many of the genre's usual suspects that Jamie Foreman is reduced to playing DI Nixon – the least convincing copper in all movies.

Based on the exploits of gangster cousins, this recounts the tale of three London goodfellas, Harper, Craig Fairbrass and Vincent Regan, pulling off a diamond heist under cover of a footie hooligan invasion of Berlin. What a heartwarming combination.

The script is repetitive, cliché-ridden, uncouth and, in its co-opting of the English fighting spirit, actually offensive.

Despite what they think, invoking Churchill, misquoting Shakespeare and toasting Nelson doesn't make you any less of an unscrupulous, violent, drug- dealing scumbag.

And the moral of the story could not be any clearer: crime pays.