The Covenant (12A)

By Nicholas Barber

This calculating, trashy teen fantasy is set in a New England prep school where the four coollest pupils have a secret. They're all wizards, and their ancestors suffered "brutal witch-huntings" in the 17th century - although those witch-huntings weren't brutal enough, considering that these over-privileged lunks are still swanning around, using their magic to open doors and peek up girls' skirts.

The Covenant is more of an MTV boy-band video than a film. The plotting and dialogue are diabolical, and the interchangeable stars were all cast, not for their limited acting abilities, but for how well-defined their pecs and abs would look in the worryingly frequent swimming-pool scenes. Bring back Harry Potter.