Music: Lyric Sheets

The Co-Op Funeral Charts

Figures released by Co-op Funeral Services this week suggest that most people now request modern songs for their funerals. Currently top of The Co-op Funeral Pops are "My Heart Will Go On" sung by Celine Dion (below) and Elton John's "Candle in The Wind"

The crematorium chapel rings

To pounding drums and jangling strings

No better back door to the arts

Than crash the Co-op funeral charts

Some cashback and another point

Upon my card, let's rock this joint

But prior to laying me on my bier

Let's sort the speakers out in here.

A Co-op Funeral has allure

Being homely, socialist and pure

And boasts experience stretching back

Which larger retail giants may lack

If Waitrose funerals came to pass

You'd have to suffer Philip Glass

If Tesco bore you to your grave

I doubt they'd let you play Nick Cave

But here among the payment stamps

The kitchenware and bedside lamps

As well as selling Weetabix

The Co-op takes you down the Styx

And contributions over years

Will ease you from this vale of tears

Which even if the thought seems hard

Still racks up on your divi card

And hoary fellows like myself

When sliding off the mortal shelf

Would want a favourite song no doubt

Like "Uncle Harry's Last Freakout"

Or all of Never Neverland

(Pink Fairies fans will understand)

And what a thrill as hearse departs

To know it's made the Co-op Charts

So when I die, don't cry for me

Just dig out that old Damned LP

Find "Smash It Up" Parts 1 and 2

And play it to the mourning crew

Should gentler souls begin to tut

Chill out a bit with "In A Rut"

Then pour the beer in large amounts

And toast the only chart that counts