Music: Lyric Sheets

Geri Halliwell, the artist formerly known as Ginger Spice, ran into trouble this week on her first assignment as a UN goodwill ambassador. The Catholic Church in the Philippines objected to her advocacy of condom use for safe sex

Good-advice Spice

Ferry fair Geri everywhere

How white her teeth. How soft her hair

This girl who goosed the Prince's bum

Unruffled by the media scrum

Will take her washing home to mum

Collapsing quietly, overcome.

You put a pop star in the breach

Of course she'll struggle with the speech

It makes the brasshats sweat a bit

But wait. She gets the hang of it

In spits and spats and fits and starts

The Queen of Wot from Watford, Herts

Her brassy barmaid speaking tones

To rattle down the microphones

And agitate the furred-up pipes

Of old colonial RP types

Who saw the role of diplomat

In terms of gin and cricket bat

There's many a sir began a yob

Sir Paul, Sir Elt, (almost) Sir Bob

A fearless front, the gift of gob

Is what it takes to do the job

The age of gunboats almost dead

We send a pop star now instead

And on the good ship Safer Sex

St Contracepta walks the decks

And plays the diplomatic card

Oblivious to the fusillade

Which rakes her sail from left to right

Madonna of the Fetherlite

And media hardly ever fails

To cite her sliding record sales

They rarely mention earlier stuff

As if she hadn't sold enough

They want her down a peg or two

Good work you sods. How big of you.