Music: Lyric Sheets

Ozzy Osbourne, 50 this week, has taken up gardening. The problem is that he gardens at night. This has annoyed his neighbours, who object to the 17 four-metre-high lights which he has erected in his garden

Ozzy Osbourne's Garden

The moon's a stalag searchlight

The sky's an orange glow

The lawn's lit up by lasers

Like a Sabbath stadium show

By a listed Queen Anne building

Near a former Quaker hall

A tattooed man is digging

Beside a garden wall...

And as the cheery rocker

Totes shotgun through his grounds

Some badgers run for cover

He looses off two rounds

A bat caught in the crossfire

Falls lifeless from a tree

The singer's patient missus

Shouts "Oz, d'you want yer tea?"

The heavy metal rose-grower

Finds secateurs no good

And much prefers a chainsaw

When pruning out dead wood.

Though sprays can be effective

For blackfly, Ozzy's learned

That cherry-bombs work better

Where cherries are concerned

A rock god takes up gardening

Two different worlds collide

The neighbours' dogs won't settle

The cats are terrified

The king of heavy metal

Is getting into stride.

A drum of Agent Orange

And flamethrower by his side

...Happy birthday, Ozzy