Tony Hawks: Big in Albania

It began with a bet: could the comedian Tony Hawks score a hit single, anywhere in the world? Of course he could - with the help of Norman Wisdom on vocals. Julia Stuart joined them in Tirana

I'm sitting on the terraces of an Albanian football stadium. Behind me, rows of men dressed in various shades of black and brown are furiously chewing sunflower seeds. At half-time, Sir Norman Wisdom walks on to the pitch and starts doing his trademark frisky jumps. He is followed by Sir Tim Rice, who is carrying a toy saxophone, and the comedian Tony Hawks, lugging a guitar. Wisdom starts miming – badly – to a song being played over the PA system, which tells of Albania suffering from "Norman mania". Rice, sporting shades, is pretending to play the plastic musical instrument, and a goofy-looking Hawks is strumming his guitar. I think I'd better explain.

Rewind to April 2000. At a dinner party, Tony Hawks is accused of being a one-hit wonder. The jibe refers to his singular success with the band Morris Minor and the Majors, whose song "Stutter Rap (No Sleep 'til Bedtime)" reached number four in 1988. A drunken handshake later, and Hawks has bet his accuser that he will have another top 20 hit somewhere in the world within two years. Hawks is no stranger to rising to barmy challenges. His two travel books, Round Ireland with a Fridge and Playing the Moldovans at Tennis, were both inspired by a bet.

Having failed to make an impact on the record-buying public of Britain, the USA, Holland, southern Sudan, Ireland and Romania, Hawks manages to persuade Wisdom to help him get a hit in Albania. The 87-year-old's following in the country is legendary. The former communist dictator, Enver Hoxha, banned nearly all Western films – except Wisdom's. Believing them to be morally and politically acceptable to the doctrines of the regime, he ordered that they be shown at least once a week. The exposure turned Wisdom into a national hero.

Hawks persuades Rice to write the lyrics. Less than 20 minutes of head-scratching later, Rice comes up with "Big in Albania" – with the infuriating chorus of "they've got Norman mania" – and Hawks sets it to music. A band, Norman Wisdom and the Pitkins, is formed, which, as well as Hawks, Wisdom and Rice, includes Rice's children Donald and Eva, and a family friend, Lucinda. A CD is duly recorded.

Fast forward to the end of February this year. Hawks has a month in which to win his bet. The band arrives in Albania, where the charts run by the radio station, Top Albania, are calculated by a combination of radio airplay and votes. Norman Wisdom and the Pitkins hope to influence the voting public by staging a number of impromptu public performances, wearing T-shirts that bear the motto "Vote for Norman", and, by so doing, getting as much TV coverage as possible.

The band troop up to the roof terrace of their hotel, in Tirana, to rehearse. Wisdom is on lead vocals; Hawks, who has a decidedly dreadful singing voice, is to perform the rap break; Rice is on plastic saxophone; and Donald takes the plastic trumpet. Eva and Lucinda are to provide the backing vocals. Before they start, Norman wanders away, a gag repeated over the next few days.

A tiny CD player behind the band starts playing "Big in Albania", and they dutifully begin to mime. A wall of silence emerges from their energetic performance. Wisdom hasn't quite got the words right. The girls haven't quite got their dance routine right. They come to the obvious conclusion that they need a bigger sound system.

They pile into a minibus and head to the state-run Albanian Radio Television (RTSH), based in the capital, to see if they can get some airtime. A line of glum people are sitting on the wall outside the building. As Wisdom arrives, they beam. Some stand out of respect. Others call: "Pitkin!" One woman cups her hand over her heart.

Inside, Hawks has a somewhat confused conversation with Edward Mazi, the director of RTSH. Before leaving the UK, Hawks had called and e-mailed his numerous contacts ad nauseam. But Mazi announces, much to Hawks's consternation: "Nobody knew about you visiting here." He agrees that the band can perform on the TV lottery show, Telebingo.

On the way out, two women workers spot Wisdom. "We are very nice to see you," they say, clearly dumbfounded to be shaking the hand of their idol. Wisdom appears to be about to fall down the steps, and the horrified women try to catch him, but it's a gag and Wisdom jogs off into the distance.

Their next appointment is with Top Albania Radio. The band is having trouble getting past the security guard. Wisdom shows his face, and the man lets out a startled "Oh!", gets to his feet and ushers them in. They are several hours late, and the people they have arranged to meet are no longer there. There's more confusion, which is fast becoming the theme of the trip. When Hawks was in Tirana a couple of weeks ago, he dropped off a copy of "Big in Albania", which the station has been playing.

Denis Mazreku, a member of staff, announces that the record is due to enter the charts at number 18 on Sunday. Today is Friday. Hawks has already won his bet without Norman being in the country. They are being tailed by a camera crew from the Discovery Channel, who are making a series about Hawks's efforts. The news isn't good television. In fact, it's spectacularly bad. Hawks decides to continue with their schedule to see if they can make the record climb even higher. Meanwhile, Wisdom has fallen asleep. It may, however, be another joke.

Once outside, the camera crew is stopped by a group of policemen guarding an American Embassy residence, who demand to see their tapes. Hawks asks Wisdom to approach them. As soon as the officers see him, they beam and the crew is waved on.

After an impromptu gig in the local park, and an appearance on the streets of Durres, Albania's second largest city, the band arrives at Tirana's football stadium, where the local side is taking on Berat. The band walks on to the pitch at half-time, but they have to wait as teams of young footballers are presented with prizes. The song starts playing over the PA system; Wisdom and company begin their silent performance.

Meanwhile, the young players are doing a lap of honour around the edge of the pitch. Some of the crowd start to boo. Others start to clap. It's not clear who's inspiring what. At the end of the song, some of the senior players come up to kiss Wisdom. The match is about to restart and a police officer is getting shirty with Wisdom, whom he wants off the pitch. The band leaves.

The following day, Norman Wisdom and the Pitkins perform on Telebingo. The presenter then announces that "Big in Albania" has, indeed, reached number 18 in the Top Albania Radio chart. There is an outbreak of embraces and high fives.

Curiously, the fact that the record would have made it into the top 20 without the band setting foot in Albania fails to make the final cut of the television series.

'One Hit Wonderland' airs daily on the Discovery Channel from 29 July to 6 August at 8pm. Tony Hawks's book of the same name is published by Ebury Press on 1 August, £10.99