Fabric review board actually considered lowering BPMs to get the kids off drugs

Apparently 'BPM' and 'drug use' is a simple straight line graph

Islington Council moved to close London nightclub Fabric last night, single-handedly eradicating drugs from the Earth and ensuring no-one will ever even consider touching them again.

Clubbers and industry figures were left stunned by the decision this morning, but it should come as no surprise if you’ve been following the review’s quality of scrutiny.

During it, the committee chair apparently at what point asked if clubs would be safer if faster BPMs (beats per minute) were banned.

The licensing authority however said that this would not be possible because its not enforceable, presumably because standing by a DJ booth with a metronome isn’t an enviable profession.

It’s hard to find humour in the suggestion given this morning’s news, but last night Twitter had a field day with it:

A campaign has already started to appeal the closure, led by the Night Time Industries Association.

Fabric said in a statement: “Fabric is extremely disappointed with Islington Council’s decision to revoke our license. This is an especially sad day for those who have supported us, particularly the 250 staff who will now lose their jobs. Closing fabric is not the answer to the drug-related problems clubs like ours are working to prevent, and sets a troubling precedent for the future of London’s night time economy.”