Mystic Deb

Next week's big stories... direct from the City's top speculator.

Thursday 5th March

Sociologists discover that female lawyers should wear short skirts if they want to get promoted quickly. However, male lawyers can continue to wear short skirts just because they enjoy it.

Warrington station blames delays on couples who spend too long kissing goodbye on the platform. New measures are introduced to tackle the problem of lovers on the line.

New Zealanders continue to experience their worst ever power crisis. In tribute to the millions left without electricity, Elton John releases another new version of "Candle In The Wind".

Friday 6th March

A prominent member of the Scottish Nationalists, tipped for a knighthood, is spurned when it is revealed that he once watched a James Bond film.

Post Office customers using a prototype of the new Eddie Izzard stamp complain that their letters wander all over the place and half the time no one ever gets them.

Bodyguard Trevor Rees Jones insists that he has not been paid for his interview with The Daily Mirror. And adds that it's almost a week since he invoiced, so if they could hurry up and put the cheque through he'd be extremely grateful.

Rupert Murdoch tries to regain top authors' support by banning publication of another book - the next Edwina Currie novel.

Saturday 7th March

A coin is minted in honour of Princess Diana. In respect to the great tradition of Royal hypocrisy, the Queen is depicted with two different faces.

Financiers herald the dawn of the Virtual Bank, staffed entirely by computers. Programmers announce that they are already at work on developing the Artificial Incompetence chip.

Rupert Murdoch bans the publication of Princess Diana's will, on the grounds that it doesn't leave any money to any of his tabloid newspapers.

Sunday 8th March

Transport officials announce that walkers will be given priority over motorists on small rural lanes. And on the M25, they will also be permitted to overtake.

Rupert Murdoch bans a biography of Josiah Wedgwood, following worries about what it might say about china.

Monday 9th March

Ford unveil their new model, the "Ford Focus". The focus group responsible for thinking up the name fervently deny allegations that they are getting slapdash about their work.

Ministers declare that they are stepping up measures to get tough on drug users - and announce another prescription rise.

Tuesday 10th March

Bill Clinton denies rumours that an Iraqi spy is passing American military intelligence to Saddam Hussein. Explaining that there is no such thing as American military intelligence.