Pandora

Ken Purchase, MP and Robin Cook's parliamentary aide, will no doubt be pleased by the presence of the Amir of Bahrain in Britain this week. Ken recently wrote a flattering piece about the Amir's regime in a Bahrain newspaper, Akhbar al Khaleej. In the article Purchase makes a thinly veiled attack on Lord Avebury, member of the parliamentary Human Rights Committee and a critic of the Gulf state where parliament was abolished more than 20 years ago. Purchase believes Avebury's noble status should prevent him from commenting on democratic conventions. But Avebury believes it is "incongruous for the Foreign Secretary's PPS to be the advocate of any foreign state, particularly one that imprisons and tortures opponents".

"I'M ONLY dealing with his week's invites," says Alison Prince, Jeffrey Archer's beleaguered assistant. "I can't say that he won't do anything again." Having wisely turned down the opportunity to meet 900 journalists at this weekend's Press Ball, Lord Archer faced the duty of opening a Welcome Break service station in South Mimms next Monday. His fee was said to be pounds 9,000. One insider joked: "if he dares turn up, do we just make the cheque out to the Daily Star?"

The London restaurant The Waterloo Bar and Kitchen is about to prove that cooking is a performance art. Located around the corner from the Old Vic theatre - and open for only a fortnight - it has already enjoyed the patronage of thespians such as Simon Callow, who has dined there on at least four occasions. The stagestruck chef, Paul Bloxham (whose mother ran her own dancing school), is already thinking of adapting his menu to reflect the theatrical heritage of the area. "When we were setting up the place we found a recipe for a pork dish dating back to the 1880s," Bloxham explains. "I think it was probably cooked by a French chef at a banquet held at the theatre." Pandora understands that "pork in vinegar" is to make its debut very soon.

FROM THE edible to the inedible. Robert Shapiro, chief executive of Monsanto, and the man environmentalists love to hate, has just been pureed by The Ecologist, a journal edited by Goldsmith clan members Edward and Zac. A copy of Monsanto's in-house newspaper (with the unmodified title The Paper), has been obtained by The Ecologist, which warns that the corporate food giant's latest plans include "coloured cotton", growing in whatever colours the market demands, "insect-protected tomatoes" and "improved- solids potatoes".

However, the journal's most pertinent critique of Robert Shapiro is the "uncanny resemblance" he bears "to Mr Burns, the evil corporate megalomaniac from the cartoon series The Simpsons".

This week Bill Clinton became the first US President to visit Bulgaria, a country he described as "wonderful". Less pleasing, perhaps, was the Bulgarian President Petar Stoyanov's toast at a state dinner in the capital, Sofia. He chose to read a passage from Leaves of Grass - the Walt Whitman book that Clinton gave to Monica Lewinsky.

JET-SETTING CLINTON has visited "practically every country in the world", according to Washington pundits. However, he still hasn't visited all 50 US states. It is said that Nebraska has been left out because its Democrat senator once called Bill "an unusually good liar".

The quick-thinking Tory Party Chairman Michael Ancram has revealed the truth behind his acclaimed folk-singing, much enjoyed by Tories at private party gatherings. "In my case it's evidence of a mis-spent youth," he said this week, "but it came in handy when I was a Northern Ireland minister. Unlike one of my predecessors, who got into trouble for his singing, I was able to sing folk songs from both communities - I just had to remember to alternate between them."