Poetic Licence

Beowulf's Return to The Estuary

A Kentish archaeologist says that the epic Anglo-Saxon poem `Beowulf' was not set in southern Scandinavia, as previously thought, but that it preserves a memory of 5th-century Germanic raids on south-east England, whose main action was centred near the Thames Estuary.

Thus spoke Beowulf son of Edgetheow:

So the Hwyfe and I and our three scyldren

took the hring hroad. Hwich was a mistk

Bumper-to-bumper through the Dartfeord Tunnel

Fynally eonding up near Grays. An healfing nightmaer!

The scyldren at each otheres hthroats and the Hwyfe

bewailing the loss of her Hrattner's gold signum,

given to her by Hrothgar, eofter the Great Feast

hwen he hyospitalised her brothere Hwayne.

On the hway back to Gyllinghjam, we stopped in

at a Harvestyr - hwich was packed and then

into a Mead Hall, eofter I dropped off Hwyfe and scyldren.

Three flasks in and a mighty battle started. This was

because of some warriors just off a longship at Chatham.

One of these hwas well eout-of-ordur, adorned with gold,

tattooed around the hneck and sheouting the odds.

I mean, there hwas only me, Hygelac The Bald and Welnaf.

Welnaf, fearsome in his Scyell-suit is a bit naughty in a hruc

and says to this doughnut: "Oi gzer! Are you calling me

a Cnut?" That hwas it. The hwole thinng went pear-scyaped.

Then came this Grendel. Took a Styanley Knife to Hygelac

and gleassed Welnaf in the fyace. In absence of a shootyr,

I took a poolcyu to the beorstard and he hwent down.

Back at Hrothgar's hall, Hrothgar said: "That won't be the

eond of it, you mark my hwords." Scyure enuf, two

days later, I'm leaveing the Mead Hall when Drren says:

"Oi Beowulf, there is a grt fyre in the Carpeork.

I looked and The Grendel had torched my Feord Escyort.

Eofter that I leoft it. Since Welnaf's brother put the hword

eout that He hwill deal with the Grendel. But quietly.

And the Hwyfe doesn't hwant my two hyears suspended

being brought up agn. So that hwas that.