Poppy Folly Your Stars: It Could Happen

Cancerians dread meeting their maker because they might have to choose between beatification and bad hair. What they most deeply desire on a spiritual level is to be made the patron saint of good hair (it's easier for a camel to get into heaven than a Cancerian to get the hair she really wants).

Exteriors, surfaces, image are all more important than they should be to Cancerians. Let no one forget, Cancer is the sign with the highest concentration of name designers in the zodiac. But those who want to know what's going on inside should steel themselves - Cancer is also the sign of turbulent and dangerous interiors. Not only are there more designers, there are more carnivorous boxers than any other sign. We could cast a full series of Celebrity Death Match, with Pierre Cardin against Mike Tyson, or Bill Blass against Jake La Motta, or Ted Lapidus and Leonard Spinks, or Georgio Armani and Julio Chavez: Cancerians all.

Out of the ring we see the same distinction between the serene, if rather dull, outside and the turbid inside - look: Tom Cruise and Charles Laughton, Iris Murdoch and Henry Thoreau, Anita Brookner and Yevtushenko, Natalie Wood and Lizzie Borden. So, plan your pregnancies carefully, or put your Cancerian children down at birth for a good private school or a better private prison.

There are no straight lines in nature, but certainly none in Cancerian women. It's not that you're crooked, but endlesly elliptical and disjointed, it's no use expecting men to keep up with you, and if you haven't figured that out yet you won't be very happy.

Note: In the matter of your exquisite taste, how to explain your laugh? Four Cancerians having lunch sound like three sheep laughing at a bull being castrated.