Something Else

Argentina are tipped to win, with Hugh Grant leading them out of the tunnel. Germany have a strong line-up. Brazil look good on paper, but they're crap on grass.

No, it's not USA '94: this is the alternative World Cup. Alternative as in comedian, World Cup as in a celebrity five-a-side tournament, down Fulham way. Four groups of celebrity five-a-side teams will battle it out for a prize, maliciously rumoured to be a pair of Hugh Grant's underpants.

The tip-off comes from the top: Phil Pope, formerly of Who Dares Wins, now tournament organiser. 'Argentina are Hugh Grant's team. So of course they have the hand of God on their side.' Sad to think it might all end with a drugs charge at Napoli.

EastEnders and Drop the Dead Donkey will be fielding teams, as will Alexei Sayle (as the entire Albanian team), London's Burning (as Cameroon) and Absolutely - 'They're going to be Scotland . . . so they can get knocked out on goal difference even if they win.'

Football-wise, some of the players' talents are beyond doubt. Steve Coppell, ex-manager of Crystal Palace, could teach the real England squad a thing or two. Bob Mortimer is reputed to be 'very good', and Frank Skinner and David Baddiel - well, you've seen them in action on Fantasy Football League.

More worrisome are the talents of Sean Hughes and Jonathan Ross. And what role for Richard Wilson?

Your commentator is Clive Anderson. Over to you, Clive.

Charlie English

The Other World Cup, Hurlingham Park, Hurlingham Road, SW6, 19 Jun. Booking: (071-497 9977). Proceeds go to BADJ

(Photograph omitted)