Usually when I write these reviews in the dead of night, eyes blinking into a computer screen, I like to think of the rest of the country, only hours before, watching complete strangers try to form a relationship underneath the Mallorcan sun.
Tonight, is not that night. Instead, myself and the five other people probably watching Love Island are in the fractional minority. I could write the most implausible outcomes: that the villa has exploded, that new girl Lucinda has three heads, that Jake finally committed to Liberty, and no one would bat an eyelid. Why? Because a certain national team broke a 50-year dry spell, making it to the final of an International cup. But will any of our couples bring it home tonight?
Long winded football puns aside, the arrival of Lucinda and Millie into the villa clearly set pulses races. You know it’s bad when even the other girls admit to their hotness, begrudgingly acknowledging that these women look like the human equivalent of MyScene dolls. Of course this was coded in girlspeak. I have never heard more utterances of “they’re such nice girls,”, which when translated reads more like “F*************** OFFFFFFFFFFF.” This was evident as Faye, Rachel and Sharon each went to lengths to express how fine, absolutely fine, each of them all were. No like, really guys, they’re totally fine with it.
An iconic recurring format of the Love Island genre is the long awaited ‘cooking challenge’, which sees our resident himbos gather like cavemen around an oven. This included both Brad and Aaron immediately deciding to throw their relationships with Sharon and Rachel in the bin, Millie and Lucinda’s steal-your-man game proving impeccable. Despite the boys cooking in the kitchen, it was our hunks who were eating out of the palm of the new girls’ hands.
It is truly amazing what two new very attractive blonde women can do to the men in this villa, Lucinda’s fairly normal green eyes granted the same powers as a figure of myth and legend, drowning men in their emerald pools. This was a great shame, as I was hoping for less of the flirty banter and more of the Gregg Wallace brand of food criticism their food deserved.
Watching from above like a vengeful, all-seeing New Testament God, the challenge proved too much for Sharon who has taken an instant dislike to Millie and Lucinda. Once again, she is ABSOLUTELY FINE about the situation and DEFINITELY IS NOT BOTHERED about Aaron cracking on with other women. In fact, Sharon is SO CHILLED OUT with this unfolding drama that it was perfectly okay to hit out at the new girls, describing them as “short term” options that post no significant threat. Oh Sharon, how you will live to regret those words.
Despite Sharon’s living embodiment of the “cool girl” monologue from Gone Girl, it was hard not to let emotions show after Aaron’s cruel dumping. We all get it wrong sometimes and the stars were not aligned for ‘Shaaron.’ Chin up babe, new boys will be arriving soon, and it looks like things might actually be hotting up…...Could Love Island finally be coming home?
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