Game of Thrones: A blagger's guide to the HBO drama ahead of season 6

A brief on the world's most talked about show

(HBO)

First off, Game of Thrones geeks this isn’t for you. Secondly, anyone worried about spoilers, let’s be completely clear: this article is going to give lots of stuff away to allow you to blag your way through a water cooler conversation about the HBO drama heading for its sixth season. Unhappy with that? Leave now, before it’s too late.

Now we can get into the nuts and bolts of what is probably the most complicated telly drama ever made. Yup, even more complex than Lost with the single biggest difference being that these storylines are more exciting than they pretend to be in the lead up - although, admittedly, there is a problem with all our favourite characters being brutally skewered to death before we’d properly finished with them.

Let’s face it, we’d be here all day if I gave you actual background on the zillions of characters who made it through last season’s massacres and bloodbaths. The drama is based on George RR Martin’s incredibly big and heavy The Song of Ice and Fire books and season six moves events on further than the published series, to who knows where.

So, to allow you to stay awake, nod knowingly and mutter “Winter is coming” in the correct place during the next ten weeks of Game of Thrones mania, this will help you identify your arse from your Westeros:

Geography:

There are Seven Kingdoms. The one seeing most of the action, Westeros, is kind of like Britain: the North is freezing and inhospitable; the South is where all the rich folk live and it is boiling hot and looks a bit like Morocco. Everywhere else is “across the narrow sea”, i.e. the Channel, and is either part of Essos or Sothoryos. The important names to know are Dorne, Mereen and Braavos which are the places some of the characters who haven’t yet been killed are living.

What’s going on?

There are lots of noble families with names like Lannister, Tyrell, Baratheon, Targaryen and Stark. They’re all happy to murder or marry each other to take power. Everyone with an iota of royal blood thinks they have a divine right to rule and is doing their darndest to get support, troops and money to take possession of a rather uncomfortable chair in the city of King’s Landing, capital of Westeros, called the Iron Throne. Whomever sits here can make a bid to reunite and rule the Seven Kingdoms. A little boy called Tommen Baratheon (Dean-Charles Chapman) is currently perching awkwardly on it, but he won’t last long.

Meanwhile, everyone who isn’t worried about taking power is freaking out because a mysterious army of supernatural zombies called the White Walkers (supposedly dead for thousands of years) appear to be very undead. And, having gnawed and stabbed their way through the whole population of Wildlings north of The Wall (basically Hadrian’s Wall but a lot taller and with more snow) they are poised to wreak havoc on the rest of Westeros. Yikes.

Oh, and watch out for weddings: we haven't had one yet which hasn't ended in mass murder.

Who do we care about?

Jon Snow - The impossibly noble bastard son of Ned “beheaded-in-season-one” Stark, the Warden of the North (think overlord of everywhere above Watford), has been the subject of an “is he? isn’t he?” debate for a whole year. The curly-haired character, played by Kit Harrington, was the most prominent figure in season five but was last seen being repeatedly stabbed in the stomach by his Night’s Watch comrades (an army of celibate weirdos who guard The Wall). Nobody could survive such a butchering, surely? But Mr Harrington has been spotted in Dublin where the show is filmed, sparking an onslaught of wishful thinking. He is notable for being among the few remaining characters to retain a moral backbone.

Don’t say: “You know nothing Jon Snow.”

Do say: “He’s never met a girl he likes better than his own hair.”

The Stark children - Of the five legitimate offspring of Ned Stark an impressive four are still alive. Although none have had a great time of it since their parents and eldest brother were despatched by the evil Lannister clan. Pretty but perpetually miserable (understandably) eldest daughter Sansa (Sophie Turner) has been married off to the twisted Ramsay Bolton for a life of marital rape and torture. She was last seen jumping off the castle parapet with an unlikely ally - we expect the pile of snow at their feet broke their fall. Bran (Isaac Hempstead Wright), our favourite paralysed warg (yes, you read that correctly, it means a person who can enter the minds of animals), hasn’t been seen since season four and we’re desperate to know what he’s up to. Arya (Maisie Williams), the family tomboy, is in Braavos and has just gone blind after murdering someone (you don’t need to know more, I promise). The youngest boy, Rickon(Art Parkinson), hasn’t been seen or heard of since season three so is probably hoping for some screen time.

Don’t say: “You're a Stark of Winterfell, you know our words”

Do say: “Winter is coming”

Daenerys Targaryen - Conqueror, liberator, tyrant? We’re not totally sure what to make of the exiled daughter of the Mad King (he was killed by a Lannister, allowing the Baratheons to seize power) since her liberal and moral approach to ruling seems to have become corrupted. But, all you know to know is that even if Emilia Clarke’s Khaleesi (that’s another word for Queen) has executed a few too many people and badly handled a terrorist uprising, she is the Mother of Dragons. Yup, she hatched some ancient dragon’s eggs in a fire and can even fly on the backs of the terrifying creatures who snack on local children and are totally out of control. She now has Tyrion (more about whom, below) on her team now so season six is definitely going to be interesting.

Don’t say: “I am a queen not a butcher”

Do say: “Lannister, Targaryen, Baratheon, Stark, Tyrell they're all just spokes on a wheel. This ones on top, then that ones on top and on and on it spins.”

Tyrion Lannister - The only member of the Lannister clan whom we’d have round for tea is The Imp, a dwarf prince, the youngest Lannister, played brilliantly by Peter Dinklage. He is a hard-drinking, womaniser with excellent political skills but rather a lot of enemies. His elder sister Cersei hates his guts (their mother died giving birth to him, so she calls him “the monster”) and he recently murdered his evil father Tywin Lannister (Charles Dance) by shooting him with a crossbow as he sat on the latrine. Now that Tyrion has found himself in Essos he has offered his allegiance to Daenerys in her quest to dislodge the rest of his family from power in Westeros. If he sounds like a murderous horror just take our word for it: he was duly provoked and makes up for his failings by speaking all the best and funniest lines.

Don’t say: “I'm the Half-Man, the Demon-Monkey, the Imp.”

Do say: “Death is so boring.”

Who do we hate?

Cersei Lannister - In Game of Thrones the king’s mum isn’t a cuddly figure. In fact, dowager Queen Cersei (Lena Headey) is about as terrifying as life-size Barbie dolls with too much power get. For those not in the know you can remember Cersei as the one who shagged her twin brother, making her three children the product of incest and therefore not actually eligible for the Iron Throne. Never mind that her first born Joffrey took possession of it for a time (before being poisoned at his own wedding) and her pliable younger son Tommen is currently in possession of the kingship. However, season five didn’t treat Cersei too kindly thanks to a bunch of religious puritans called the Faith Militant. Their leader, the High Sparrow (Jonathan Pryce as a sort of manic Benedictine monk) successfully grabbed many of the threads of power and humiliated Cersei on moral grounds. During the season finale she admits adultery and is made to parade naked through the streets, her trademark hair shorn off, as peasants throw rotten vegetables. We almost feel sorry for her.

Don’t say: “Tears aren't a woman's only weapon.”

Do say: “A Lannister always pays his debts”

Ramsay Bolton - I challenge you to find a more creatively wicked bad guy than Iwan Rheon’s repulsive Ramsay. If you haven’t been living under a rock you might have noticed the furore last season when poor Sansa was brutally raped by her new husband. He has spent most of his screen time tormenting underlings, eating the flesh off bones with his feet up on the table and slowly, psychologically torturing those he thinks deserve it. Oh, and there was that memorable occasion he lopped off his captive’s penis and then ate a sausage gratuitously in front of him. The newly legitimised Bolton heir is not a man to be messed with. Luckily, he is currently looking after the Stark stronghold of Winterfell, up North, which means he’s perilously close to those White Walkers…

Don’t say: “If you think this has a happy ending, you haven't been paying attention.”

Do say: “You reek.”

Luckily all the other characters we really, truly hate (Stannis Baratheon, Tywin Lannister, Ser Meryn Trant, The Mountain) have already been killed off so you don’t need to worry about them. Well, you might need to look out for The Mountain as he appears to be back from the dead, but so long as you say “OMG have you seen the size of the latest member of the Kingsguard?” you’ll get away with it.

Catchall response to a character you haven’t heard of?

“Oh yes, the evil, twisted, weirdo?”

Let some blagging worthy of Lord Tyrion himself commence.

Game of Thrones season 6 starts 24 April on Sky Atlantic