Weekly Muse

The summer of St Luke has gone

And so have several daylight hours

As Fireworks Fortnight reigns again

The trembling collie keens and cowers.

Sombre news for goats this week

Both native and Norwegian

Our Government spends 30 grand

Or something in that region

On parchment made of goatskin

Which they use to print those tracts

Better known to most of us

As Parliamentary Acts.

Now vellum, as the paper's called

When rendered to condition,

Requires the skin of many goats

As per the old tradition.

And from the Magna Carta

To the very latest charter

The humble goat has proved to be

A veritable martyr.

An end to years of cruelty

Was rejected in a vote

The House was offered paper

But they voted for the goat.

In spite of MPs' shunting

Through a future Bill on hunting

Then railing at defiance

By the Countryside Alliance

They draft their laws on goatskin

But do not perceive the link.

To call it nanny government

Is closer than we think.

I action as a parent

And I parent as an action

As I hear my language languish

In a state of stupefaction.

But the problem gaining access

When I access information

Is that nouns and verbs reversing

Impact on the situation.

So since you've come to visit

You can impact on that settle

And I'll action cups of coffee

When I've accessed mugs and kettle.

Her name is Tasty Tamsin

And her chest is far from flat

Page-Three Stunna (Hubba hubba)

Looka da brains on that.

But now the The Sun is turning

From a 30-year tradition

They want more women readers

And the paper's in transition.

So goodbye Tasty Tamsin

And farewell to tit'n'bum?

"The minute there's a sales glitch,"

Says Murdoch, "back they come."

Keith Richards up for breakfast?

Well the chance was fairly bleak

But there he was at Q's Awards

One afternoon this week.

He squinted in the sunlight

As he groaned across at Ron:

"The lights are very bright tonight

How long have we been on?"