‘I could lose everything in one fell swoop. But I bet all my chips on Alex’

For Charlotte Cripps it was love at first sight with the pantomime baddie who had a massive ego, juxtaposed with low self-esteem and a certain vulnerability

(Illustration by Amara May)

The new year has started with quite a bang. I got the good news that Muggles’s second tumour was also low grade – and it hasn’t spread. My dad cracked open a bottle of Prosecco and he toasted the dog, who was chewing on a giant bone, oblivious to the cancer scare. He doesn’t need chemotherapy or radiation, just another operation, unfortunately, to remove it. But it’s a fantastic feeling to know that Muggles is going to see in another year. Or is it?

Sometimes the thought of another 10 years of him is overwhelming. The mud he brings in, stealing the kid’s food, pulling me over when I walk him – not to mention last weekend when he ate a mountain of compost and shat it out on the kitchen floor while I was out. But the whole ordeal of Muggles and his cancer prognosis really hit me hard and has made me reflect on when Alex and I first got him and then back even further – to how Alex and I first met.

It was an earth-shattering moment that took me on a 10-year roller coaster ride. It resulted in me giving birth to two children via IVF, using Alex's frozen sperm after his death; and Muggles, who we got three days before Alex took his own life in 2014.