‘What’s the point of a good education if I’m banged up’

Charlotte Cripps explains that some parents will stop at nothing, not even committing a criminal offence, if it means getting their kids into the right school

Illustration by Amara May

My neighbour, whose son is Lola’s friend, goes to a nursery in Notting Hill that costs £10,000 a term. His dad, who can clearly afford a car, takes three-year-old Jack to nursery in a giant box, attached to the front of his electric bike. I see parents cycling up Ladbroke Grove with their kids on board even when it is raining – they cover them like turnips under taupaulin. His dad has also banned him from watching Peppa Pig because he thinks Daddy Pig is a bad role model.

My neighbour’s son is lovely but at his recent birthday party, at the ecology centre in Holland Park, full of taxidermy animals, all I could see were present bags from Selfridges, Gucci and Trotters. Whatever happened to Argos?

Another dad at the party told me that his son, also three, is learning Dutch. “Oh that’s nice,” I said. “Do you have any Dutch family?” “No,” he said. “It’s just a very good language for children to learn as a basis for other languages.” (And, presumably, will improve his job prospects). Another parent proudly told me that he wants to transfer his three-year-old to a local nursery that teaches toddlers Chinese, French and coding.