auntie ag

KEEP YOUR KNICKERS ON

I am perfectly prepared to go along with the fashion for big, scary, mummy-pants if Prada, Miu Miu or Alexander McQueen so decree - even ones where the elastic has come away from the material round the leg. But how can you undress with confidence knowing that your man has no idea that big, scary pants are the height of fashion and will simply think you had a laundry crisis and grabbed an old pair you used to wear at school?

Chloe, Derby.

AUNTIE AG: I agree. It's a total nightmare. The obvious solution is to gradually increase the size of one's pants, creeping higher towards the navel each time you disrobe. But this calls for a hefty pant budget and also risks giving him the impression that you are ageing prematurely and at an unnatural rate. Another option is to make sure you've wound him into such a frenzy by the time he gets to the pants that all he is interested in is taking them off. But then there's the problem of putting pants on again afterwards. I think it's best to be up front about the whole mummy-pant thing. Tell him you need to have a serious talk about something. Sit him down with some features on mummy-pants from magazines and explainthat this is the new mummy-pant look and you hope it will come to make him very happy. He'll be so relieved that you didn't want to have a serious talk about where your relationship is going, he'll love scary mummy-pants forever.

SHAGGY DOG STORY

I've just started sleeping with a guy who has been watching too many ads and thinks it's cool to be a single man with an enormous dog. The seriously gross hound stinks, gets into bed with us in the morning and is always trying to put its head up my skirt. The trouble is, Kurt has adopted a posey "Love me, love my dog" mentality. So, anything other than fawning admiration for the repulsive creature threatens to get me the sack - and, in the sack, he's too fantastic to let go of, as long as the dog isn't there, too.

Kirsten, Cardiff.

AUNTIE AG: Don't let any sense of overt antagonism develop between you and the dog. If there's a hint of this, spend a few weeks fussing and adoring the horrible dog while ensuring that it becomes clear to Kurt that a lumbering, slavering animal can't compete with your bedroom charms. Next, be overcome by a mystery illness which leaves you incapacitated, forced to lie in bed sneezing with a blinding headache when you should be shagging him. After exhaustive tests, the mystery illness turns out to be an allergy to dogs. You are devastated, but your only option is to see Kurt at your place in future, minus - tragically - the dog.

RAT IN THE KITCHEN

Last year, I spent a lot of time and effort doing up my flat on a shoestring in a really stylish and original way. A friend of mine, who is married to someone really rich, has had her kitchen done up in exactly the same way as mine, but using the best materials and paint finishes and expensive kitchen fitters. How can I get my revenge?

Leyla, Brighton.

AUNTIE AG: You've got it already, angel. She must be seething with jealousy over your clever little kitchen-designing head, when all she's got is someone's money.

MAN BEHAVING BADLY

A friend of mine split up with her boyfriend a year ago but is still hung up about him and they are always having agonised conversations about whether they should get back together or not. Another friend has just told me that not only is he seeing someone else, but he was sleeping with her for about four months while he was going out with my friend. Should I tell her?

Rebecca, Milton Keynes

AUNTIE AG: God, no! Don't meddle - you'll only sour your friendship. If the news is out, she'll get to hear about it soon enough from someone with less common sense than you. Then, you can be there to pick up the pieces and prise her away from the ridiculous Fuckwit.

DON'T KNOCK IT

Is it bad form to bang on the floor when the people downstairs are making a noise?

Lauren, Worcester.

AUNTIE AG: It's a bit uncivilised, darling. It makes you think of bitter old codgers living alone, eating dog food and shaking their fists at children, which I'm sure isn't really your style. Go down and see them and explain the problem. They may not have realised you can hear. Then, next time they make a row, you can ring them or do some agreed signal - so it won't seem to hideously ill-humoured.

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

I am being pursued by this stunning girl - long blonde hair, big tits, long legs, beautiful face. Obviously, I'd like to shag her, but she's just not my type. She wears brightly coloured make-up, lip gloss, push- up bras and sexy clingy clothes. I like girls to be cool and even a bit ugly and wear understated, androgynous stuff. I'm much uglier than her and she's obviously used to men falling at her feet with their mouths open and enormous erections, so she won't take no for an answer. How can I convince her I'm really not interested without hurting her feelings?

Gav, Brixton.

AUNTIE AG: Oh, just tell the smug little daughter of Satan, darling. It'll do her good to learn how the other half live.