Auntie Ag & Uncle Ony

Pornography Part One

After we had been married about a year my wife suggested we make videos of each other during ... well, I'm sure I don't need to explain in any great depth. Anyway, not wanting to seem less than game, I agreed. The whole business is excruciatingly embarrassing to me, but it was all very well until last week when I was doing an audio visual presentation for some students (I'm a sociology lecturer) and discovered to my horror that I had put one of the tapes of my wife and I on by mistake. The story is all round the college. I don't know how I will ever get over my embarrassment, or the resentment I now feel towards my wife

Frank, North London.

Uncle Ony: What is there to be ashamed of, old chap? Unless you have a problem with Unity of the Personality - blocking the physical by "flooding with the cerebral". (Have you been having ego-based defecational dreams?) If you could drop me a copy of the video I might be able to help you further.

Auntie Ag: Frank, darling, don't worry. Your students will love you for it, and anyone who says otherwise is merely wild with jealous rage because they don't have sex kittens like your wife. Whenever the subject comes up, simply put on a Sean Connery smile, murmur something self-deprecating about conjugal duties, and revel in the attention.

My husband is an extremely respectable merchant banker. Recently he very sweetly bought me a portable computer for my birthday and has been busy learning to use it so he can teach me. The other night I went up to his study while he was in the loo and there was a picture of a naked woman on the screen doing unspeakable things with a rocket. He has evidently been wandering round porn groups on the Internet. I am so repulsed, hurt and humiliated that I don't know what to do.

Anabel, Kensington

Uncle Ony: Repulsed? Hurt? Humiliated? You are "fencing", Anabel, with these imagined emotions in order to bully your husband into truncating his character base, and negating his instinctive "male of species" urges; urges for which the Internet porn groups are an excellent, healthy outlet. If you "win" by forcing him to "lose" by relinquishing his new virtual porn habit, you, in the end will "lose" by rendering yourself unattractive. I suggest you stop snooping in his study and get on with whatever you were supposed to be doing downstairs.

Auntie Ag: Darling, don't be such a girlie, for God's sake. Get yourself an Internet logon, send him provocative messages for a couple of weeks, arrange to meet him somewhere sordid, darling, in Soho then give him what for!!

I am 32 and though I now have my own shop selling hand-made jewellery, earning a living has not always been quite so easy. I have been going out with an extremely nice estate agent for six months but am terrified that he will find out I used to do some "glamour modelling work". It is not the photographs I am worried about so much as the videos, some of which are still available for rental.

Loretta, Southampton

Uncle Ony: Yes, you see you will not be able to take the path forward until you have dealt with the past, unifying what was with what will be, within your character-base. This will not be achieved without therapy. If you would care to write to me privately I may be able to find room in my diary to take you on as a client.

Auntie Ag: Darling how thrilling! Wait for another year or so, until you start to feel the raging heat of passion is beginning to develop a little inner calm, then pop one of the videos on one evening. Say a friend of yours mentioned that the girl in it looks just like you! If he asks if it is you, go all coy and giggly as if trying to turn him on by pretending it is. The quality on these things is always so fuzzy he'll never be certain but, as I'm sure you'll discover, there's nothing quite like a little mystery in one's past to keep a man on his sexual toes.