Creativity:101 things to do with morris dancers

Our request for creative things to do with morris dancers has unleashed a tirade of theoretical violence. Some identified their potential as scarecrows, grape-treaders or synchronised swimming substitutes, but most were less charitable.

A team of morris dancers, writes F L Vaux, could provide "a visual and audible warning in front of wide loads, thus freeing police cars to investigate other incidents such as the mowing down of morris dancers when a wide load's brakes fail." Stand them on their heads on Glastonbury Tor, wire them up and let them dance, suggests Ann Phillips: they will be excellent small wind turbines. Herd them into Downing Street, says R J Pickles, to show that care in the community does not work. Or make them performat the Channel tunnel exit to deter rabid interlopers.

Jonathan Hulme informs us that morris dancers are now known as BMW dancers. He suggests dressing them in Lederhosen and exporting them all to Bavaria as an act of cross-cultural benevolence. They could also test athletics relay batons or car bodywork.

"I'm a charitable chap," writes Michael Rubinstein, before going on to recommend "impaling the lot of them on their horns". B O'Riley, however, points out that they create a pleasant jingly sound when attached to the tops of doors. "Their handkerchiefs

also serve to warn oncoming heads of potentially dangerous low lintels, and their sticks make excellent hat-racks."

"We use ours as a door-stop", says Stephen Woodward. He also believes they would be "far more attractive (well, interesting) than existing traffic cones." David Barnard, a self-confessed ex-morris man, suggests a morris hot-line to enable port authorities to summon them up to entice people on to cross-channel ferries.

"I notice," writes Bernard Jaffa, "that `nerds go manic' is not an anagram of `morris dancing'." Mark Walmsley sent us an authoritative account of the life of the 17th century performance artist Jim Morris too breathtaking to quote from. More things to do: Cheer-leaders for men's netball team (Roderick White). Alternative Kleenex containers (F G Robinson). Drying damp handkerchiefs (Tony Blades) or dispersing rioters (Sheila Smyth). More generally, Des Waller says that morris dancers could easily perform many of the tasks usually associated with elite military groups such as the SAS. Particularly "scaring the hell out of terrorists". Linda Browning proposes a youth wing to be called the morris minors. John and Fiona Earle think morris dancing should betaught to the English rugby team to be employed as a counter to the Kiwi's haka.

Stuart Cockerill predicts morris dancing as the next fitness craze: "scantily clad young women (bells, garters and not much else) morrissing around a studio, feeling the burn." Karyn Vitali approves the idea of morrisettes: "I wouldn't say no to whackingblokes with my stick in exchange for a few tickles with a handkerchief."

Apology: we unreservedly apologise to the Interactive Garden Gnome Company for infringing their statutory rights to commercial exploitation of morris dancers.

Prizes to Bernard Jaffa, F L Vaux and Stephen Woodward. Next week, we'll report on your new collective nouns. Meanwhile, we need things to do with vacuum cleaners. Preferably legal and not health-threatening. We have three copies of Chambers Science and Technology Dictionary for the most sweeping ideas. Entries, by 8 February, to: Creativity, the Independent, 1 Canada Square, Canary Wharf, London E14 5DL.