‘I have never been happier’: Readers on life after divorce and the hidden drift in marriages

Our community said midlife divorce often stems from years of emotional drift, unequal burdens and quiet disengagement

‘Rather than a constructive conversation, it is more like an argument about who is doing more jobs’ (Getty/iStock)

Independent readers have been sharing their thoughts on midlife divorce, reflecting on marriages where one or both partners have quietly checked out.

Many described relationships that have slipped into routine, emotional distance and transaction, sustained more by finances and children than by connection or intimacy.

Several said they recognised the slow drift into parallel lives, sexless evenings and conversations dominated by household logistics, noting that emotional withdrawal is rarely sudden – it creeps in, almost unnoticed, until it defines a marriage.

A number of readers pushed back against male-centred accounts of rejection, arguing that what some men experience as indifference is often the result of women carrying a disproportionate share of childcare, mental load and household duties. In their view, “quiet quitting” is less a choice than exhaustion.

Others warned that the walkaway-wife narrative can oversimplify things. For some women, stepping back or leaving is a way to escape coercive control, emotional abuse, or fear – not just boredom or frustration.

Here’s what you had to say:

I have never been happier

I was in exactly the same boat in my failed marriage. It was loveless, it was sexless, and all the effort to get closer and to talk properly came from me. In my case I was the sole earner and did a lot of the house and children work too; this was a lot of pressure for me.

We divorced five years ago and should have done that ten years earlier. It simply did not work and we were not compatible. Our children now say it was good we got divorced, as the atmosphere at home was not good.

If there is not a willingness from both sides to go deep and really show up in the marriage, then there is no hope. Sadly, a lot of people hang in there out of fear. But I can safely say I have never been happier. I found myself, a better and simpler life, and a partner who does want to put the work in – and so do I. Getting here was not without pain, but we all deserved to be loved and treated well.

Ed1

Just friends

I walked out on my first marriage because we were just friends living together. There was a whole lot of love, but it wasn't a relationship and hadn't been for a long time. We also wanted different things. She wanted to holiday in numerous anonymous French villages and I wanted to see the Far East. It would have been easy to stay. Easy has never been a strength of mine.

Slightly Tipsy Max

No simplistic explanations will help

This seems to me very sad and I have no idea how things could be improved. Both, no doubt, have made mistakes, failed to discuss the issues and retreated into their bunkers. Unless both parties are willing and determined to improve their relationship with honesty and without playing the blame or victim game, then I can see no way out. Very sad. And no simplistic explanations will help. Possibly some kind of counselling, but again only if both want to find a way forward.

Geejay

The path less trod

Quiet quitting has been going on for many years; it’s just that women feel more able to vocalise it. The financial support in the end of a zombie (marriage of convenience) partnership is better these days legally, but the end would crush a twilight family unit, cause division, instability and heartbreak to grandchildren.

GreenAndRed

Passive-aggressive approach

This is a very interesting and helpful article. I recognise the elements in this, as it is a familiar topic with some people I know. It’s the unspoken that fills the empty spaces and the gaps.

The passive-aggressive approach in daily encounters, the ‘passive’ blaming and resentment, and a partner who is so detached that he can’t be bothered anymore even to get you a Christmas present – not that that is the worst thing at all.

There’s also the lack of personal self-care that says a lot about how one regards himself or herself. That creates a definite barrier to physical contact, or even just the atmosphere, as it signals a lack of self-esteem and self-respect, which then creates a barrier between a couple. All very sad and bad.

WinnieB

I think of my wife first

I may be an oddball, but I always think of my wife first and I know she’s equally selfless. We have been married for 50 years. The £20 Registry Office fee was the best £20 I ever spent.

Frankie

Taking sides

I don't know, but having seen a few of my friends' long-term relationships collapse, I've learned that it's always a mistake to take sides in such things, particularly on the strength of one side's testimony.

When my first marriage fell apart, I was amazed at how many people amongst our circle simply assumed that I'd left rather than her. I can't imagine that she had outright lied about it, but I can easily imagine that she wouldn't have done anything to put right any misapprehensions.

RickC

A relationship is a living thing

We should be free, but we should not be irresponsible, because that will only lead to tears.

A relationship is a living thing until it dies.

I am glad that I took an executive decision to end the marriage for us both.

Almost 30 years later, I can say that for sure.

Hell of a thing, though.

We hurt those we love.

Credo

Reality may play out rather differently

It’d be fascinating to find out how these women, and the men they walked away from, are doing in a year or so. The assumption pushed by this article is that all the men will be morose and devastated, and all the women will be living their very best lives. But I suspect reality will play out rather differently, as anyone who's been in the 50-plus dating pool will attest.

Flubber

Surely the rules can’t be different

I fully agree that women who decide to leave their marriages in midlife have every right to do so.

Everyone has the right to decide for themselves whom they wish to be with. No one should be made to feel ashamed of choosing whether to be in a relationship or not.

FinnSmith

We risk erasing the women escaping something far darker

This is a really important piece, but it describes only the softer end of something that can be much darker than he forgot my big presentation or we turned into flatmates.

There is a whole group of so-called walkaway wives who are not leaving because they are a bit bored or have had enough of a mildly inattentive husband. They are leaving men who control their movements with tracking devices, read their messages, threaten to cancel visas or permits, weaponise the children’s loyalty, explode in rage over small things, and in some cases ignore consent in the bedroom.

From the outside, these marriages can still look like comfortable husbands blindsided by a wife who suddenly checked out. Inside, it is chronic coercive control, emotional terror, and sometimes physical or sexual abuse.

So yes, midlife women are walking away in bigger numbers, and yes, many have simply outgrown a good enough on paper man.

But some are walking away from something far more serious than a one-sided emotional load and a bloke glued to the telly. When we only tell the midlife divorce story through the lens of mild disappointment, we risk erasing the women who are using the very same legal process to escape men who never should have been allowed to keep that much power over them in the first place.

ChrisMackin

Some of the comments have been edited for this article for brevity and clarity.

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