Candid Caller

THIS WEEKEND London plays host to the Private Eye 'Bore of the Year' awards. The Candid Caller sought nominations for the coveted title, asking: 'Who is the most boring person in Britain?'

Mrs Hislop I, of Dunpail, Morayshire: John Major. I certainly wouldn't want to ever meet him, he'd just be too dull.

Mr Cooke P, of Manchester: The Royal Family en masse for the amount of coverage they've had in the press lately.

Mr Sue-a-Quan K, of Kensington, London: Any of Britain's politicians. They're all equally lacklustre, none of them have any charisma.

Mrs Grabski S of Ealing, West London: Terry Wogan. If I sit down to watch him, I'm asleep within half an hour.

Mr Running A, of Poplar, East London: Terry Wogan. I'd like it if I never saw him on television again.

Mr Coleman D, of Beccles, Suffolk: It has to be Maggie Thatcher. I think it's a title she should have held for years.

Mr Heath M, of Exeter: The bloke from Bonjour Le Classe, Nigel Planer. He even managed to make The Magic Roundabout boring, which is some achievement.

Mr Slagger G, of Fulham, West London: Prince Charles is an obvious nomination, but even he has had a spicy year so far with the Camillagate thing. Everybody's been pretty scandalous this year except Neil Kinnock, so I'd nominate him. Now he's back in Wales and he's skinny, I'd like to see him bounce back as the spokesman for 'SlimFast', with a slogan like: 'I used to be an MP, but now thanks to 'SlimFast' I'm a shadow of my former self'.

Mr Sude A, of Hornsey, North London: John Major. I'd like to see him taken from No 10 and dumped on the dole queue, right at the back.

Telephone operator at Ugandan High Commission, London: Bob Monkhouse.

Mr Cock S, of Notting Hill, West London: Peter Mayle, for being boring about Provence 25 years after everybody else discovered it and spoiling it for everybody else as a result.

Mr Tweed E, of Watford: At this moment in time, Terry Wogan.

Mrs Thripp E, of South London: Tony Blackburn, definitely. He really rubs me up the wrong way, and whenever I see him I cringe. Most people would say Terry Wogan, but I quite like him.

Mrs Grove L, of Bedford: Off the cuff, I find it difficult to say. ('No? No ideas at all?') Perhaps journalists who tend to be rather boring with their persistent pursuing of certain subjects. It would be nice to find out something of their private lives, which I imagine to be rather murky, and persistently pursue them.