How to get the look: Brocade

Raoul cropped trousers, £300, my-wardrobe.com

Fancy pants!

Yep, forget the acrylic reindeer jumpers, I'm going with some seasonal trews ahead of Christmas. Opulent brocade is the chicest way to get into the festive spirit.

Isn't there something a little 'soft furnishings' about brocade?

Only because too few of us are as daring in our choices as the average Louis XV chair. The key is to mix it with some plain pieces; these cropped trousers from Raoul (above, £300, my-wardrobe.com) are perfect evening attire for this time of year. Pair with towering heels and a simple sweater if you want to do contemporary Christmas party glamour.

And I'll even be able to blend in with the feature wall at the party.

Yes, should things go awry socially and you need to disappear, that's their secret superpower. But you'll need to be partying in a gastro pub, not your local Bella Italia.

Seriously, though, can't I go for something a little subtler?

This is not the time of year for subtlety, but check out Eleven Paris's Teye dress (£199, asos.com). But since it's a less high-contrast blue-black, its wallpaper mimesis powers are comparatively low, so don't come crying to me when you get stuck with the office bore.