Candid Caller

THE LATEST sex video to melt your machine, Making Love the French Way, comes just in time for Valentine's Day. This week the Candid Caller, without a word of warning, suddenly whipped out a phonecard and asked: 'Have you ever seen a sex video and would you want one as a Valentine gift?'

Mrs Margaret Amour of Newton-le- Willows, Merseyside: 'I haven't ever seen one but I wouldn't mind one. I'm very much with it. I've got an 86-year-old husband here still knocking around. I'd say the secret to a long-lasting relationship is trust - if you haven't got trust the sex doesn't matter.'

Mrs Pat Valentine of Crick, Northampton: 'I haven't seen any of these videos. They're for younger people. I wouldn't watch one.'

Mr Colin Kiss of Billericay, Essex: 'I haven't seen any and wouldn't thank you for one. I shouldn't think the French have anything to teach us.'

Mrs Judith Boon of Glasgow: 'Yes, I've seen one. They're soft porn and not worth getting excited about. A video isn't the first thing that comes to mind as the ideal Valentine present.'

Mr Andrew Mills of Hampstead, north London: 'I haven't seen them and wouldn't buy them myself, although I would gladly watch them.'

Dame Barbara Cartland of Potters Bar, Hertfordshire: 'I haven't seen any of these tapes and I wouldn't want to. The British aren't as romantic as they used to be - they all talk about sex all the time which isn't my sort of romance.

All the talk in the papers about sex is a mistake. The Express never stops telling you how to make love, as if you didn't know. The French are clever: even when they get old, the women never stop flirting. If two people are not speaking you know they are English and have run out of conversation about the mortgage.'