Games people play

Pandora Melly interviews our longest- serving political party leader

David (Screaming Lord) Sutch, 33 plus VAT, President of the Official Monster Raving Loony Party

Politics is a game. If you ask those politicians who tell the truth whether they think, hand on heart, that the best man is leading their party, they'll say "no". There's always someone that's better, but doesn't fit in with television. He may be a brilliant politician, but he's no good at performing.

My favourite game is Monopoly. There's this drummer, Stan of Huddersfield. He gets out the Monopoly board, and we're there for two days with no sleep. I purposely don't have one in my house. It's all right if you can say: "Let's leave it for now, and carry on tomorrow", but neither of us has got the power to do that, somehow.

You know my mother's just died? Well before she did, I used to go round, and I'd sometimes leave my little dog with her. I got round there one day and I saw eight plates on the floor and one bowl of water, and I said: "What's happening here?"

"Well," she said, "there's Pal in that one, Pedigree Chum in that one, chicken wings in another, but she's completely gone off her food."

Three weeks previously my mother wasn't eating properly, just biscuits. So I went out and bought her a lot of perishable foods: salads and things. And she said: "I wouldn't mind a bit of mincemeat to make a hamburger." So I thought, "that's a good idea", and instead of going to Tesco's or Sainsbury's, I went into this good butcher's and I got sirloin steak, minced up. I gave her two little bags so she could freeze one, and me Ma said: "That bloody dog, she won't eat anything; all she wants is that cheap, cheap mincemeat." So that backfired on me didn't it? What a game.

Your dog may also appreciate extra-lean minced beef or fillet steak, either of which is available from any good supermarket or butcher at prices comparable with that of the smoked salmon you give your cat.