Goop Christmas guide: The 10 weirdest holiday gifts from bread lamps to vulva colouring books

As if lockdown wasn’t making a family Christmas unnerving enough, Gwyneth Paltrow sure knows how to spice things up

Goop owner Gwyneth Paltrow promoting her TV show (Getty Images)

Starting off as a weekly newsletter, Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop has grown into a full-on taboo-smashing lifestyle brand that has grabbed headlines on a number of occasions. 

Daring products include a candle named “This Smells Like My Vagina” infused with geranium, citrusy bergamot, and cedar (for $75/£58) and supplements named “Why Am I So Effing Tired?” with a variety of vitamins and antioxidants.

Paltrow and her company have come under fire, particularly after her launching her Netflix series The Goop Lab. NHS England chief executive Simon Stevens said the show posed a "considerable health risk" to public safety and accused it of spreading "misinformation" about health therapies. The show covers various out-there treatments from using psychedelic drugs to help mental health to conducting “energy exorcisms”.  

“We typically straddle the world of evidence and science-backed claims and that which cannot yet be explained,” Elise Loehnen, head of content for the editorial side of Goop, told Vogue. 

One thing’s for sure, Goop knows how to push boundaries, and its 2020 goop Gift Guides do not disappoint. Read on for some of the wackier things you can buy for your friends and family this season.

1. Tsuchiya Kaban Watermelon Bag, price on request 

Tsuchiya Kaban Watermelon bag (https://goop.com/)

Because, we’ve always wondered how to transport our watermelons around the place. Now we can all do so, with this beautifully handcrafted leather pouch. *Other items can be carried in this bag too.

2. Batard Bread Lamp, $210 (£161)

Batard Bread Lamp (Goop.com)

Hand crafted in Japan (where else?) this bizarre piece of home furnishing should be on Paul Hollywood’s Christmas wish list. It’s made using an actual baguette and has been preserved with a resin coating to stop it decaying. When plugged in, it projects a strongly satisfying aura of light.

3. Nunchi Jello Cakes, from $95 each (£73)

Nunchi Jello Cakes (Goop.com)

These incredibly designed creations look almost too good to eat (almost!). Choose between styles including cheesecake, bundt, dome cake and snail cake or our favourite – the scalloped cake with stacked layers of purple, pink and green jelly.

4. Post-structuralist Vulva Colouring Book, $15 (£12)

Post-structuralist Vulva Colouring Book (goop.com)

One for granny? The designs in this pop-arty, surreal book include mesmerising shape, patterns and folds, and designs that celebrate the vulva in a playful way that “demystifies gender” as you bring them to life with colour.

5. PlantWave, $299 (£229)

PlantWave device (Goop.com)

This nifty little device allows your plants to compose music for you via the subtle electrical currents they give off. You attach the device’s sensors to the leaves of any living thing (but perhaps leave the cat alone), then connect the device wirelessly to an app on your phone. The result could be anything from trippy chimes, medative, alien-like sounds, and it feels your plant is actually communicating with you.

6. Lordship Title Pack, from $50 (£39)

Lordship Title Pack (Goop.com)

Those who’ve always fancied having a title can now do so, by purchasing this little kit offering a dedicated bit of souvenir land (from 1 sq ft to 10 sq ft) in Scotland. Here, landowners are referred to as "Lairds” and “Ladies”, and owning a small piece of land gives you the right to a title. You get a personalised title certificate with your name and title on it and a tree will be planted with every purchase.

7. Elizabeth Paige Smith, Pyramid Commode, $35,000 (£27,000)

Pyramid Commode (Goop.com)

Not to be confused with the colloquial version of the term “commode”,  although you are free to do with this stylish piece as you please, this pyramid-shaped dresser supposedly “creates a spatial vortex in whatever room it’s placed in”. Kanye West is a big fan of this furniture designer’s work.

8. Single Needle Hand Poke Tattoo kit, $36 (£28)

Single Needle Hand Poke Tattoo Kit (Goop.com)

This is a gift for the family member you slowly want to torture. We’re told it doesn’t hurt as much as a machine tattoo, and heals quicker, but we’re not putting our hand up first to try it. A good way to keep the teenagers entertained on Christmas Day perhaps?

9. Retrofitted electric VW Bug, $125,000 (£96,000)

Retrofitted Electric VW Bug (Goop.com)

Nothing at all silly about this one except the price tag, but if you have the means you can look ridiculously hip while protecting the planet. And, you’ll even be able to hear your passengers, without that head-turning, chugging, coughing VW Beatle diesel engine sound.

10. Custom Concrete Self-heating Bathtub, $100,000 (£77,000)

Custom Concrete Self-heating Bathtub ( Goop.com)

Sheer decadence couldn’t be more defined than in this incredibly sleek and stylish, but completely unnecessary, free-standing tub. Yes, you might be able to purchase a small house in Liverpool for the cost of this tub, but your bathtime won’t be as relaxing.