How to repair relationships after falling out with family over Christmas
Experts outline steps you can take make amends
Dealing with festive family fallout right now?
Christmas is often a time when families to come together. But for various reasons, this can be a difficult and relationships may end up fractured and strained – especially with the pressure placed on having the ‘perfect’ day.
If you’ve experienced this and you’re keen to try and patch things up, these expert tips could help…
Let the dust settle
Lowri Dowthwaite-Walsh, a cognitive behavioural therapist and honorary senior lecturer at the University of Central Lancashire (UCLan), believes it’s important to first let the dust settle following a family fallout.
“Giving some space can be beneficial. Often, things can be said in the heat of the moment, or under the influence of alcohol, which do not reflect a person’s true thoughts or feelings. Allowing time to sleep on it, recover, and reflect can offer a fresh perspective on heated situations,” says Dowthwaite-Walsh.
“When texting or messaging your family on social media, it’s good to allow at least five minutes before responding. Try to think carefully about your responses, rather than reacting immediately.”
Find common ground
Courtney Greene, regional lead occupational therapist at Cygnet Health Care, acknowledges it’s not uncommon to find going home for Christmas tricky – especially if it involved travelled long distances, and being with family members for extended periods when you’ve ‘flown the nest’ and are used to your own privacy and space.
“If things are a bit ‘awkward’ in conversation after the holidays, focus on a common interest when trying to repair/rebuild that relationship,” says Greene.
“Suggest an activity that you could do together or as a group. Something activity-based, that you know the person will enjoy, will show them that you ‘see them’ as a person, and whilst you are busy engaging in that activity there is less pressure to engage ‘formally’ in the difficult discussions.”
Practice forgiveness
If you want to heal a rift, it’s essential to approach the situation with empathy, patience, and a willingness to mend fences.
“Forgiveness is a powerful tool in repairing relationships. It doesn’t mean condoning or forgetting past actions, but rather choosing to let go of the resentment and anger that may be holding you back,” says Counselling Directory member Mike Clement.
“Encourage family members to express their feelings and concerns, and be prepared to forgive and ask for forgiveness in return. This mutual act of forgiveness can be liberating and create a fresh start for the relationship. Keep in mind that healing takes time, so be patient aseveryone involved works through their emotions.”
Use conflict resolution skills
Don’t be afraid to have difficult discussions, either – but be mindful of your approach and wording.
“If you have been upset, speak out, but do not blame the person for how you feel or how you reacted at the time,” says Greene. “Instead, try using an ‘I’ sentence. For example. ‘I feel XYZ when you XYZ. In the future, I would prefer it if XYZ’. Don’t be afraid to tell your loved ones what you need from them, and ask what they need from you in return.”
And don’t forget to say sorry, too. “If you reacted badly in a situation, or need to make apologies, do so. Don’t make excuses, a simple ‘I am sorry’ goes a long way,” Greene adds.
Own your feelings – and listen to theirs
Similarly, Dowthwaite-Walsh says: “It’s important to own your feelings following a fallout. For example, if you feel angry or hurt by something, it’s worth taking the time to calmly explain what made you feel that way.
“Allow space to hear their side of events. Try to put your assumptions to one side for a few minutes for this. You might hear something that you weren’t previously aware of. Thank them for sharing their thoughts and feelings with you.”
Establish boundaries and expectations
According to Clement, to prevent future conflicts and maintain a healthy relationship going forwards, it’s essential to establish some clear boundaries and expectations.
“Discuss and agree upon acceptable behaviours, communication styles, and ways to address conflicts constructively,” he says. “Setting these boundaries provides a framework for a more harmonious relationship moving forward and ensures that everyone’s needs and concerns are considered.”