Nicole Kidman refused to become invisible over 50, and is now in a lose-lose divorce

When it was announced that her marriage to Keith Urban was over after 19 years, it didn’t take long for some to wonder whether her steamy film and TV roles had something to do with it. And there lies the problem, says Megan Lloyd Davies

Another week, another celebrity split and another pile on about a woman of a certain age. At least some things in life are predictable right now.

Familiar themes emerged as news of Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban’s divorce broke earlier this week: she was blindsided by the split (just as she had been when her marriage to Tom Cruise broke down in 2001), Urban has reportedly moved on with a younger woman (timing unclear), and a key reason for it all was that Kidman had got a bit too well… sexy for poor Keith.

Instead of disappearing during the decade when women are supposed to segue into the sexless post-menopausal background, Nicole had upped the ante with some headline-grabbing roles as sexually confident women having affairs with younger men. What had it been like for Urban, commentators asked, left watching his wife having a submissive relationship with a younger man in Babygirl and getting between the sheets with 20-years-her-junior Zac Efron in A Family Affair?

Amid the speculation, one thing is certain. The couple are both 58, and the sad demise of their 19-year marriage comes at the point at which many relationships end. With so-called ‘grey’ divorce on the rise everywhere from Europe to the USA and Asia, midlife it seems is no longer guaranteed to be the point at which children fly the nest and a couple look forward to happy child-free years. What makes this marriage break-up arguably even more poignant, however, is that Kidman and Urban’s relationship seemed built to last in the fickle world of show business.

It was certainly transformative for both. In 2001, Kidman’s divorce from Tom Cruise made global headlines, a harrowing experience for a then 33-year-old with two young children in the mix – daughter Bella, then seven, and son Connor, then five. Four years later, she met Urban and they married in 2006. Just four months after that, Kidman supported Urban when he checked into rehab for drug and alcohol addiction.

Both had experienced turmoil but after moving to Nashville, their personal and professional lives went from strength to strength. Urban is a superstar country musician while Kidman has remained at the top of the Hollywood firmament. Together they’ve also raised two daughters – Sunday Rose, born in 2008, followed by Faith Margaret two years later – and built a $36m property portfolio including homes in New York, Beverly Hills and Sydney. And throughout it all, the couple remained largely private but made their commitment clear as they supported each other at everything from the Oscars to the Academy of Country Music Awards.

But then the rumours started to swirl. In June, Kidman posted on social media to mark the couple’s wedding anniversary, but Urban remained silent. Within days, he’d hung up on a radio interview when asked about his wife’s love scenes with “beautiful younger men”. The following month, Kidman applied for residency in Portugal after reportedly buying property in the trendy coastal town of Cascais. Urban did not. Then, as the news broke that Kidman has filed for divorce and the couple are living separately (her staying in the family home in Nashville, him moving to a bachelor pad), attention rapidly shifted to the reasons why. Key to the mix is Kidman’s age and life stage.

The couple were pictured together at the Academy of Country Music Awards in May (Invision/AP)

Cue all the well-trodden misogynistic commentary. Kidman is rampantly ambitious, desperate to prove her sexual “viability” and “determined” to get noticed by taking on roles in “kink” cinema. Otherwise known as a woman in her fifties bucking the trend for the paucity of roles for older women.

Instead, Nicole has remained firmly centre-screen with leading roles on big glossy TV productions including Big Little Lies, Nine Perfect Strangers and The Perfect Couple, as well as films such as 2021’s Being The Ricardos, which earned her an Oscar nomination for best actress, the critically acclaimed The Northman and last year’s headline-hitting Babygirl, which sparked much debate about what Kidman’s husband and children felt about the role. Not sure the then-48-year-old Marlon Brando was ever asked about what his kids thought when he shot Last Tango in Paris opposite 19-year-old Maria Schneider?

Kidman’s worst sin seems to be her daring in navigating the minefield of professional relevance – she refuses to disappear. Not only did she keep on working in high-profile roles, she also wasn’t playing dowdy midlife women either.

While influence can certainly wain for men professionally from their fifties onwards, women face a different challenge: complete invisibility. Kidman chose to flip this narrative with high-profile roles – and shock, horror, even dared to play a sexually active fifty-something. While no-one batted an eyelid as the camera roamed longingly over Brad Pitt’s body in the recent F1 movie, and it took years for the internet to catch up with Leonardo di Caprio’s habit of dating far younger models, the sheer audacity of Kidman to get her kit off for an acting role has had commentators clutching their pearls wondering, was that why her marriage ended? “How Nicole’s ‘bottomless need for sexual attention’ led to the end of her marriage”, one headline screamed.

Commentators have speculated that Kidman’s roles in movies such as ‘Babygirl’ impacted her marriage (A24)

And once again she – women – just can’t win. Mutton or lamb: which do you pick because both are unacceptable? Refuse any tweakments and you’re accused of letting yourself go. Too many, and you provoke ire for trying to look too young. Kidman’s been criticised for skin that’s too glassy, a body that’s too thin and everything in between, while also walking the tightrope of desirability that remains critical for all Hollywood stars but has a twist in the tail for women.

Because while men must retain their looks but can also be sexual, the unwritten rule is that women must not overstep the line – and definitely not if they’re over 50. Kidman took on a sexually explicit role and sparked kickback for breaking the code that women past their biologically productive years must also surely have lost interest in sex. The current commentary about the failure of her marriage is riddled with judgement over both – her choosing overly sexual roles twinned with the fact that there may have been a lack of intimacy in her marriage. Was she too sexy? Or was she not sexy enough?

Not that women who are still in their childbearing years are freed from all this, of course. Even younger women seem to cross some kind of Rubicon after giving birth.

Kidman’s determination to continue playing assertive, sexual female roles has been used to criticise her (Getty)

When a childless Margot Robbie opened her legs during a scene with her on-screen husband Leonardo di Caprio in 2013’s Wolf of Wall Street, for instance, it became the “most paused” movie moment of all time. But when Robbie took to the red carpet earlier this month following the birth of her first child, her “racy new look” caused “uproar”. Presumably, she should have appeared in a prairie smock and carrying a milking stool. Just wait until the release of next year’s erotically charged Wuthering Heights, in which she will star opposite Jacob Elordi.

Amid all the conundrums facing women in the public eye, and those in midlife particularly, Kidman is left with the devastation of a second failed marriage – just a year on from the death of her beloved mother. For any woman, both events are bound to spark grief and reassessment as Kidman reimagines life aged 58 without these two crucial emotional anchors.

For now, whatever the reasons for the breakdown of the Kidman-Urban marriage and the very specific point in life where it’s happened, let’s not blame it on Kidman’s work (Too Much). Or suggest she’s too sexy for her own good (Too Hot). With her two younger children on the cusp of adulthood, and now single again, she might well surprise us all.

Kidman has displayed resilience, daring and tenacity throughout her career. Ten years from now, the signs are that she will have carved a new and fulfilling path. And yes, she might still even dare to have some fun and sex as an almost-70-year-old. Imagine the headlines then.