My kids were taken into care – how can I see them again?

Columnist and trained counsellor Fiona Caine offers guidance to a mum hoping for contact with her children.

Woman looking distressed

The problem…

“I met my now ex-husband when I was just 16. He was 24 at the time and, against my parents’ wishes, we moved in together. I thought he was going to give me a happy and safe family life, but boy was I wrong.

“Within two or three months, he started physically, mentally and emotionally abusing me, and I wasn’t allowed to contact my parents or see any friends or family, just his side. I fell pregnant and his family made me marry him, as they didn’t want any ‘illegitimate’ children in their family. He told me that if I ever tried to leave, he would make out I was a drug addict and an unfit mother and that his family would take the kids.

“The abuse continued but I went on to have three more children – then he started taking heroin and social services got involved. It all became too much and I finally broke and started taking drugs too, so social services took the children and put them into his sister’s care. I had weekly supervised visits, until I was told it was upsetting the children and it was too much for them to see me anymore.

“Last October, at the age of 34, I had a stroke and lost the movement down my left side. I would like to have a good relationship with my kids again, but I know it’s going to be hard as his family have made me out to be a bad parent, but it was the two of us that failed them.

“Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated, as to how I might in the future at least get them at the weekends? I’ve been in touch with social services.”

Fiona says…

“There is no easy answer to this, and I wish I could say that if you do one or two things, then you will be able to see your children again and all will be well. I’m afraid it’s unlikely to be like that at all. Aside from the fact social services are, or have been, involved with the care of your children, you will have to overcome several years of the influence of their father’s family. And, they may well not want to see you.

“You say that it was you and your husband that failed your children, but you’re being very hard on yourself for saying that. Coping, for years, with systematic abuse and lack of support from friends and family will have taken a huge toll on you. Please note, I am not saying this was their fault – it is a common tactic from abusers to cut their victims off from those who might be able to help them. You were just a 16-year-old teenager when you got together with an older man, who took advantage of you in so many ways.

“You don’t say if you’ve been in touch with your family and friends again since separating from your husband but, if you haven’t done, perhaps you could try and make contact with them, if that feels right for you? I don’t know the history of those relationships, but maybe they would be happy to help support you?

“If they’re not, then you need to find people who will help you – you need new, supportive people around you that will help you to be strong and avoid slipping back out of control. Have you had professional support for yourself, for example from addiction and domestic abuse services? It is never too late to seek support and counselling can be extremely helpful.

“Whilst talking to people in social services may not have been easy over the past months of lockdown, I’d suggest you ask for an appointment to meet in person as soon as is practical. I would also suggest you speak to Citizens Advice (citizensadvice.org.uk) who may be able to provide you with legal advice that could help you to make your case.”

If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.