8 tips for welcoming a new daughter or son-in-law into the family

Here is some expert-backed advice about how to navigate changing dynamics once a new partner joins the family.

There are many ways to help your child and their partner feel safe and supported (Alamy/PA) (Alamy/PA)

Meeting a son or daughter-in-law for the first time can be both exciting and nerve-racking.

We spoke to BACP (British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy) member Armele Philpotts, a psychotherapist and clinical supervisor, who highlighted how making them feel truly welcome involves striking a balance between warmth, respect and patience to foster a positive, long-term relationship.

Here are her eight tips on how to ensure that your child and their partner feel supported and at ease while you navigate this shift in family dynamics.

1. Lean into the change

“When we bring somebody else into our family, they bring their own ways of doing things and that’s going to shift the whole family dynamic, whether we like it or not,” acknowledges Philpotts. “I think it’s important to acknowledge that things are going to change and that it’s an opportunity to welcome slightly different ways of doing things.”

2. Acknowledge and accept you are no longer their primary relationship

“It’s important to acknowledge that your child’s primary relationship is now their partner relationship, rather than that parent-child relationship, which is a huge shift,” says Philpotts. “Don’t try and compete, and accept that it’s a different kind of relationship.

“Remember that there’s still room for love between parents and children, even though they now have an adult relationship with their partner.”

3. Ask them open questions

Show an interest your new son or daughter-in-law’s life by asking them some open questions.

“You can get a lot of information by asking open questions, rather than closed questions,” says Philpotts. “Closed questions are ones where the only answer can be yes or no, but an open question is something like, what did you get up to last weekend?

“If you are meeting your child’s partner for the first time it might be  appropriate to say something like, ‘this is John’s favourite dinner as a kid, what was your favourite dinner?'”

4. Remember to listen 

“Remember that you have got two ears, and one mouth,” says Philpotts. “Just listen, watch and see what’s going on. I think that’s always a really good principle to start with.”

5. Refrain from expressing too many immediate opinions

“Consider trying not to express too many opinions during those first few meetings,” suggests Philpotts. “There’s a lovely phrase coined by a psychologist called Michelle Icard called the ‘Botox Brow’ which can be helpful in this situation.

“The principle of the Botox Brow is that even if you think something is slightly alarming or a bit strange, you maintain that very neutral expression.

“There are not that many things that we have to immediately respond to, so maybe take it as an opportunity to see how your child is looking in this first meeting. Are they behaving the same as they usually do? Maybe they seem really relaxed. Maybe they seem a little bit nervous. Give that other person a chance to express themselves first without feeling the need to immediately push back.”

6. Ask if they want advice

“Check to see if they would like to hear some advice, either now or at some time in the future, before giving it,” advises Philpotts. “Then try to make any advice as general as possible. Consider using examples of your own life experience rather than saying ‘oh should definitely do that, or you definitely shouldn’t do that’. Try to move more into that mentoring role.”

7. Set and respect boundaries

“People are going have different ideas about what boundaries might be appropriate, so it’s all about checking in and listening because our children’s boundaries might change when they enter a new relationship,” says Philpotts.

8. Give yourself some grace 

“We often think about our children being nervous in these situations, but remember that as parents it’s often the first time you’re doing this, so give yourself a little bit of grace,” says Philpotts. “Notice if you’re nervous, and remember that you don’t have to do it perfectly. Just be kind to yourself.”

The most important thing is just give it time, she adds.

“Accept it’s going to take both the children and the parents time to work out what needs to change, how it needs to change, and that’s going to be constantly kind of evolving,” reflects Philpotts.