Reader Dilemma: 'My ex-husband wrongly insists I take all our pets to his new house when our son stays over'

'My son keeps begging me, saying he doesn’t want to visit his dad without them'

I wish his father had never suggested it (Monkey Business Images/REX Shutterstock)

Dear Virginia,

My husband and I have split up and we have agreed to share the custody of our son, aged six. The problem is that my ex is devoted to our pets – a tortoise, two cats and a pet hedgehog in a cage. He is insisting that I take all the pets over to his new house on the days our son stays over. I think it is madness, because surely it’s better for the animals to stay in one place. My son keeps begging me, saying he doesn’t want to visit his dad without them, and I wish his father had never suggested it. What can I do?

Yours sincerely, Freda

Virginia says

What a troublemaker your ex-husband sounds! He’s still trying to cause pain and difficulty for you, even though you’ve split up. And isn’t he succeeding!

I can see that the hedgehog might not be a problem – but in these early days of visits, it would compound your poor son’s misery and anxiety about the split if he were to take the lot and one of the animals were to escape, or couldn’t be found when it was time to come home. And knowing your husband, I am sure he would make certain that one of the cats got out of the front door, leaving your son bereft of yet another stable character in his life, and perhaps meaning he wanted to stay at his dad’s until it turned up.

Even the tortoise, if your ex has a garden, risks vanishing before going-home time.

I would say okay to the hedgehog on condition that it was not let out of its cage. But impress on your son the real dangers of taking animals to other homes without settling them in properly first. Explain that the cats will feel bemused and stressed in another environment, and that he must go first to his father’s house on his own, to make sure there are no ways they could escape. Are there friends’ parents or grandparents who would endorse your views so that your son could realise it’s his dad who’s being unreasonable, not you?

If you both have iPhones, you could you could show the animals periodically on Facetime while he’s visiting, so your son knows they’re secure while he’s away.

Alternatively, which might be the best idea anyway, pets or no pets, it might be more sensible to encourage your ex to come round to your home for a day, and to leave yourself. This way, your ex could see the animals, and your son could get used to seeing his dad on his own but still in a familiar environment.

I would encourage your ex to acquire animals of his own – a new kitten would be a tremendous lure for your son – if he’s really sincere in his affection for animals.

But I fear that, by introducing these demands, your ex is determined, already, to paint you as the baddie in this break-up. He knows you’re going to refuse to let the animals be moved, and it’s an easy way to portray you as a dictatorial monster. Is there any way you can encourage your ex to come to post-split counselling purely to make things happier for your son? Because it sounds as if, even if you work out the complicated pet arrangements, your ex will finds other ways to demonise you in your son’s eyes. And you – and your son – could do without that.

Readers say...

It’s you who should swap houses

I agree, it’s madness! But then, I feel it is madness for us to expect our children to do all the commuting between houses when, through no fault of their own, their parents split up. It is surely better for children, too, to stay in one place. I suggest that you do the house-swapping to enable your child (and his pets) to carry on leading as normal lives as possible.

Sarah Jenkins, Northants

Your son needs his pets more than ever

Your son’s world has been split in half. How is he to cope as he moves to and fro in this divided world? With wonderful instinctive grasp, he realises that his tortoise, his two cats and his hedgehog can help him through. On their affection and loyalty he can rely, and by keeping them with him he has a bridge he can cross between the two separate worlds of you and his father. In time, all being well, he will cease to need them. But if you think about what they mean for him now, I am sure you will see that the inconvenience of transporting them is as nothing compared with what they do for him.

David Boll, London

Stop the power play

Having been involved with children for many years, as a teacher, social worker and parent (including single parent), I see several issues here. First, although I know shared custody is fashionable now, in my experience children do better where they have one home, and a room with the other parent that they can visit as often as they want. Second, is your son really wanting to spend a lot of time with his father, given he doesn’t want to go unless the pets go, too? And third, do the cats actually want to be bundled into a cat carrier and taken to another place? I smell a power play, which may not be in everyone’s best interests!

Alison Wren, Bristol

Think of the animals

Your dilemma is not the one you think you have. First, both the hedgehog and tortoise should be in hibernation at this time of the year. Our family has a wonderful tortoise aged around 75 and he is hibernating at the moment in the refrigerator, with his vet’s approval. The hedgehog’s life must be a misery also – why on earth is he in a cage? Finally the cats: take them over to your son’s dad by all means, but they will decide for themselves whether they want to stay. I find it very worrying that you appear to know nothing about the needs of your animals.

Jan Huntingdon, Cricklade

Next week's dilemma

I’m single, I’ve worked for my boss for 20 years and though I’ve never particularly fancied him, he is kind, funny and clever and we are really good friends. Out of the blue, a month ago I got a letter from him. He said his marriage had been over for ages, his children had grown up and he loved me. He said if I didn’t feel the same way he would never mention the subject again. I wrote back, rather primly, saying I wasn’t a marriage-breaker and we continued as before. But now, of course, I see him in a different light and would love to see if it worked. Should I tell him?

Yours sincerely, Sally

What would you advise Sally to do?

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