Toddler etiquette guide by Tatler teaches parents how to raise an upper-class child

'Remember that toddlers have a similar psychological make-up to psychopaths'

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The phrase "posh totty" might have been taken a little too literally.

Society bible Tatler has released a guide to raising a posh toddler – with advice on fine dining, bedtimes and posh playdates.

‘The Tatler guide to toddler etiquette’ appears in the latest issue of the posh publication, with tips on how to raise the perfect society tot.

The magazine’s list of must dos includes encouraging impromptu dancing (provided it doesn’t attract too much attention).

It also provides detailed guidance on how children should behave around ‘dressing up boxes’ – your own child gets first dibs over others, in case you were wondering.

Some of the other tips seem quite obvious: take your child to the toilet at regular intervals, and keep a bedtime routine because children turn into “vampires” after dark.

On the list of don’ts, the magazine warns against letting children eat together or share their food.

It also says that you should not try to discipline a child when they shout at a gathering – instead, the offending kid should be removed from the room to cool down (“they ruin everything for everyone”).

It advised parents not to try to show off their parenting skills by disciplining their child publicly, urging them instead to defuse the situation discreetly.

But it concluded that no matter how well you parent, some children are a**holes and there’s no way to reform them.

Of course, Tatler revels in its snooty image, and many of its articles are tongue-in-cheek, with a playful nod to the reader that all is not quite what it seems. We suspect that’s the case here.

The magazine pontificates on the poshness of all aspects of everyday life, and this week listed all of the Ikea items which it says are regarded as “posh”.