Why the ‘high-effort boyfriend’ is the next toxic dating trend

Social media is encouraging women to demand more from their romantic partners. But expecting a man to take care of (and pay for) everything isn’t feminist empowerment – it’s infantilising, writes Helen Coffey

Flowers, and chocolates, and cuddles, oh my! The 'high-effort boyfriend' is the latest impossible relationship standard to hit social media (Getty Images)

If you want to save your sanity, heed my advice: don’t look at social media this Christmas.

It’s not the wholesome snaps of happy families wearing matching ugly jumpers or inevitable engagement announcements you need to watch out for. No, it’s the inevitable and endless parade of smug, “boy dun good” posts from women bragging about their outstanding other halves that are destined to be the real joy zapper.

While this has long been a feature of the highly curated Insta-world we’ve become accustomed to, it’s worsened in recent months; a new trend, dubbed the “high-effort boyfriend” (or “high-effort fiancé”, depending on how far they’ve travelled on the commitment train), has been doing the rounds.

These videos usually start thus: “Things my high-effort boyfriend does that would send a low-effort boyfriend into a coma.” A woman will be sitting in shot, often doing her make-up, while she rattles off a list of above-and-beyond things her partner does without her having to ask. Flowers feature heavily – Miley Cyrus may have pointed out that we can buy our own these days, but rest assured, none of these women will ever have to – as does picking up the restaurant tab every single time they go out.

The idea seems to have originated with a content creator called Keely Grace Gaffney, whose betrothed is practically perfect in every way: a modern-day Mary Poppins. He plans surprise date nights, sets up her coffee station every morning before he goes to work at 4am, and writes her daily love notes telling her she’s beautiful. He books trips away whenever she feels mildly stressed and sets up bespoke Advent calendars filled with her favourite products (spoiler alert: the final gift is tickets to Hawaii for a sun-drenched elopement). Somewhere around the fifth video, I started to feel the kind of queasiness usually associated with eating a dodgy prawn.

Inspired by this trope (and likely the online traction it attracted), other women quickly jumped on the bandwagon, gloating about their own saintly boyfriends’ actions. “The key to a successful relationship in my opinion is being with a man who does a lot,” wrote fellow Instagrammer Alessia. “Having a high-effort partner will literally change your entire nervous system. Because you are not ‘asking for too much.’ The right man will happily show up, put in effort, and love you out loud.”

High-effort partners dote on their girlfriends – but is this a healthy relationship dynamic? (Getty Images/iStockphoto)

On the face of it, the “high-effort” trend might appear empowering. The moral of the story is clear: women, don’t accept less than you deserve! Demand and expect more! Set higher standards! It’s the natural counterpoint to the “bare minimum” relationship rhetoric that’s also garnered a lot of airtime on social media, whereby fairly standard behaviour such as messaging consistently and showing up on time for dates are dressed up as “princess treatment”.

However, aside from the temptation to compare our own relationships to these elevated, romcom versions and inevitably find them lacking, the whole “high-effort” narrative has some problematic elements once you dig beneath the surface. Though some of the things listed are genuinely about emotionally showing up – organising a monthly life check-in or having a bedtime ritual where they share gratitude for their day – a troubling number of the actions centre around money.

“This is the bare minimum – when we go out to eat, he pays for everything,” says one blonde of her boyfriend of four years, all while aggressively curling her eyelashes. “He never expects me to pay for anything,” says another while doing her foundation. “Any time I say I want a new dress or need new clothes, he’ll take me to TJ Maxx or order me stuff online or take me to the mall,” says a third, Emily. She also has his credit card on her at all times, “just in case”, a move she at least acknowledges is “controversial”.

Financial dependency can erode a woman’s autonomy and create a significant power imbalance

Most stomach-curdling of all, in one video by Gaffney (the OG high-effort boyfriend trendsetter), she films her partner’s response when, as a “prank”, she dares to pay for her own online clothes shopping. “You don’t spoil you, I spoil you,” comes his rebuttal. “It’s my job. I get to do that.” His tone is genuinely affronted – steely edged, verging on… controlling, maybe? The message is clear: she is not permitted to spend her own money or buy things for herself.

It’s not like these women don’t have jobs, by the way. They are all in gainful employment, whether it be full or part-time work, alongside their paid content creation side hustles.

However much being treated might seem like the dream, giving up financial control and becoming dependent on your other half is a risky game. Women spent thousands of years essentially being the property of men, they weren’t, in fact, legally allowed to own any property themselves or keep their own earnings in England until the late 19th century. They didn’t gain the legal right to get a credit card, open a bank account or take out a loan without a husband or male guarantor right up until 1975. Voluntarily ceding these hard-won rights doesn’t exactly scream “feminist empowerment”.

“Allowing a man to give to you, show appreciation and pick up the tab is fine – as long as you always have the ability to do so yourself,” cautions Kate Mansfield, a dating and relationship coach. “Financial dependency can erode a woman’s autonomy and create a significant power imbalance, making it harder to leave an unhealthy situation. It’s crucial for both partners to maintain a degree of financial independence to ensure the relationship remains a choice, not a necessity.”

Financial disparity, which often falls down stereotypical gender lines in heterosexual relationships, can also create a sense that the relationship is conditional, warns relationship therapist Matt Davies. Think about it: if one person always pays, what happens if they lose their job or fall on hard times due to unforeseen financial burdens? Does that mean the relationship is jeopardised because they can no longer hold up their unspoken end of the bargain?

A lot of 'high-effort' behaviour revolves around the man picking up the tab (Getty Images)

“Gifts are always tricky,” adds Davies. “If it’s one-sided, it can make the person receiving feel indebted in a way that’s not really healthy.” Indeed, several of the women express this sentiment in their videos. “I could spend the rest of my life trying to live up to the amazing things he’s done for me and I’d never come close because he is just so amazing,” gushes Emily.

Another uneasy dynamic that quickly reveals itself is that a number of the “high-effort” behaviours revolve around the women’s aesthetics. One praises the fact that her boyfriend curls her hair for her and will drive her home immediately when they’re out so she can re-do her makeup if it’s not up to scratch; another waxes lyrical about the fact that her man “keeps track of my nail appointments – so every time I’m due for a new set he will schedule the appointment, drop me there and also pay for the set.”

Occasionally, gifting your partner with some self-care is one thing. Paying for maintenance “to subtly control their aesthetic for your own satisfaction” is quite another, explains Mansfield. “When a partner’s efforts are disproportionately focused on their girlfriend’s appearance, it can stray into ‘trophy’ territory.” Especially if, as in the nail example, the upkeep seems, well, mandated.

“It’s pretty unhealthy, putting a woman in a subservient position in a way,” says Davies. “That could be considered boundary breaching; personal appearance and how we groom ourselves is really our responsibility, not our partner’s. Otherwise it reinforces the sense that you’ve got to do this for them, rather than for yourself.” Again, it can make it feel like the relationship comes with strings attached.

Being dependent on a man to constantly lead and save you is an immature form of relationship

But most concerning of all is arguably the “high-effort” behaviours that reinforce the idea that women are in some way helpless. Far from feminist empowerment, it’s Disney princess syndrome by another name.

Take Alessia’s boast that her partner fills her car with petrol any time she’s running low “so I genuinely haven’t been to a gas station in like a year.” It’s a common theme; another pampered girlfriend admits: “I never pump my own gas. I hope this is a universal thing for boyfriends to do.”

Or a young woman called Kylie’s declaration that she “will never touch a door handle. I will not open my car door. If I even try to grab my car door, he’ll be like, ‘no, stay here, I’m going to grab it.’” (God forbid a woman alight a vehicle when she wants!)

Miley Cyrus may have schooled us in buying our own flowers, but girlfriends of 'high-effort' men will never have to (Getty Images)

Or back to Emily, who once again acknowledges it may be “controversial” but she literally doesn’t know how to pay their bills. “It’s just how it is,” she confesses. “He does not want me worried about that.” It’s reminiscent of Nora in A Doll’s House, Ibsen’s famous play in which the protagonist is routinely infantilised by her husband until a past indiscretion shatters their toxic dynamic once and for all.

All of these actions have one common trait: they strip women of agency and create a relationship that is inherently out of kilter. This damsel in distress, knight in shining armour trope can have its place in the early stages of a heterosexual relationship, says Davies, helping a new couple form their initial bond – but at some point they need to grow out of it. “Both of them need to be able to be adults who can lead and follow,” he explains. “Being dependent on a man to constantly lead and save you is an immature form of relationship that’s kind of regressive. If a couple stays in that stage of romantic ideals for too long, they can get hugely disillusioned later down the line.”

This particular set-up can also mirror the parent-child relationship, with the man cast in the “father archetype” role. That’s certainly what’s evoked when one woman reveals that her boyfriend has “never told me no,” in a manner that’s reminiscent of spoiled brat Veruca Salt in Roald Dahl’s Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. A second leads with the fact that her boyfriend literally surprised her with a puppy.

Healthy effort is a two-way street, rooted in genuine care and a desire to make your partner happy

Arguably, none of this serves the men in these relationships either. Taking on the role of sole provider ensures there’s immense pressure to constantly provide. And being held up as a checklist of actions, the paragon of the high-effort boyfriend, must surely make these men feel more like two-dimensional accessories than fully rounded individuals who are fragile and flawed and have their own needs, too.

It’s not to say women shouldn’t have standards or look for relationship green flags – just that they should be focusing on the elements that really matter and prioritising building a relationship of equals, in which both parties are invested in making the other feel valued and supported. “Healthy effort is a two-way street, rooted in genuine care and a desire to make your partner happy, without expectation of reward,” says Mansfield. “It becomes unhealthy when it’s used to create a power imbalance, or when one person’s needs consistently overshadow the other’s, creating dependency rather than equal partnership.”

Learning to make yourself vulnerable by actually asking for what you want and need is key. As is being willing to get some of it met, some of the time. Forget the materialistic markers, try to see the human being behind the TikTok tick-list – and refrain from a “boy dun good” social media post this Christmas if you can possibly help it.