‘Because I followed Neil Ferguson’s advice, I haven’t seen my partner for two months’: Couples react to scientist’s rule break

‘It tends to be the most privileged members of society who think they’re within their rights to flout the rules,’ 26-year-old Freya tells Olivia Petter

(Getty Images/iStockphoto)

On Tuesday, Jamie and Izzy celebrated their five-year anniversary. There should have been a trip to an adventure park, the cinema, and an overnight stay in North Wales. Instead, there was a Zoom call, Netflix, and a quiz. This is because Jamie and Izzy have chosen to spend lockdown apart – and they have been following the rules enforced by Boris Johnson’s government since 23 March.

“I’ve found it really difficult,” says Jamie. “Technology is useful for keeping in touch, but there’s obviously no substitute for actually seeing my girlfriend in person. But we know that the lockdown is in place for a very good reason. Anyone who flouts the rules is being incredibly selfish.”

When the lockdown was imposed, Britons were told to stay at home. This meant that couples who did not live together had a choice to make. They could either see the lockdown out apart, and avoid contaminating one another’s households, or, as deputy chief medical officer Jenny Harries suggested, they could “test the strength” of their relationship by moving in together.

For many couples, such as Jamie and Izzy, both 26, the latter was simply not possible given work or family commitments. The rules have forced them into a long-distance relationship with no idea when they might next be able to see one another, because the rules of the lockdown dictate that even weekly or fortnightly visits are off-limits. Or at least, they are supposed to be.

On Wednesday, it emerged that a key scientist who had been advising the government on lockdown was flouting social distancing restrictions in order to see his married lover. It was claimed that Professor Neil Ferguson had allowed a woman to visit him at home in London on at least two occasions during the lockdown despite the strict rules against mixing households. Ferguson has since resigned.

Speaking to the Daily Telegraph, which broke the story, Ferguson said he had made an “error in judgement” and had acted under the belief that he was immune from Covid-19, having tested positive for the illness two weeks ago. But his actions have prompted widespread criticism, with many pointing out that there is a paucity of scientific evidence regarding immunity from coronavirus. Just last week the World Health Organisation issued a statement warning people against thinking that having had Covid-19 guarantees they will not catch it again. “There is currently no evidence that people who have recovered from Covid-19 and have antibodies are protected from a second infection,” the organisation said.

The news was particularly bothersome for couples like Jack and Kate, who have been diligently abiding by the rules that prevent them from seeing one another. “It’s so frustrating,” says Jack, “as so many people across the country are unable to see their partners but are respecting the rules because it’s for the good of the country and our NHS. The fact that one of the key people responsible for initiating the lockdown has broken his own rules is ironic and irritating.”

Freya, 26, has also been isolating away from her partner, but given that they live in separate cities (Bristol and London), were unable to move in together. “We haven’t seen each other since 1 March,” she says. “We were already overdue for a meet-up, but now it’s been more than two months.” Like Jamie, Freya found the news regarding Ferguson infuriating. “But in all honesty, I’m not totally surprised. I know a ridiculous number of people who have done the same thing,” she added. “One girl I know is travelling from London to Devon every weekend to sleep with a guy she’s been seeing for a few months. Hilariously, it tends to be the most privileged members of society who think they’re within their rights to flout the rules.”

One girl I know is travelling from London to Devon every weekend to sleep with a guy she’s been seeing for a few months

Freya, 26

Of course, for those spending weeks away from their partners, it is only natural to feel tempted to break the rules, and not doing so will require more self-restraint from some than others. “People could be feeling very lonely at this stage,” explains chartered psychologist Daria Kuss. “They will be missing engaging with their partner in real life.” Modern technology does allow couples to stay in touch safely via programmes like Zoom and HouseParty, and it’s important to make the most of these to avoid feeling disconnected and growing apart from your partner. It will also (hopefully) reduce temptation to break the rules.

Josie*, 23, has been with her boyfriend for five years but the two have been isolating at their respective parents’ houses. Given that they are currently living just three miles apart, the temptation to see one another has been almost too much to bear. “I don’t think I’d be human if I didn’t feel tempted,” she says. Josie’s family are classed as high-risk due to existing medical conditions, so the couple chose not to live together for the sake of their health.

“But I am extremely jealous of my friends who live with their partners and can enjoy this time with them,” she adds. “I get very angry when I hear about people breaking lockdown. My neighbour’s boyfriend still comes to visit like clockwork, which enrages me – what is so special about you that the rules don’t apply to him? If we all stick together and abide by the rules this will all be over sooner and we can enjoy the fruits of our labour.”

There are activities couples living apart can do to keep the spark alive beyond just daily video calls. Kuss suggests planning a virtual “date night”, where people can dress up, cook food together while on FaceTime and just relax like they normally would. She suggests using Netflix Party, which allows people to watch the same programme at the same time whilst offering the possibility to communicate, too. “This can normalise the unprecedented lockdown situation and create shared moments of being together and enjoying each other’s company,” she says

Dating coach and psychologist Madeleine Mason-Roantree adds that it’s important for couples living apart to find ways to be affectionate towards one another, too, particularly considering that we are living through such uncertain times and anxieties are high. “Most people need affection and if it’s denied, it can become an all-consuming urge and the feeling can become so overwhelming that you disregard lockdown rules,” she adds. In addition to engaging in regular virtual activities together, Mason-Roantree recommends couples living apart to make a nice gesture for their loved one, such as sending a gift on Amazon or even taking an online course together.

Given the wealth of digital technology at our disposal – there are even sex toys that can be controlled by couples from – there is no excuse for couples living apart to break the rules that have been designed to keep us safe.

*Names have been changed