Questionnaire: Are you sexually liberated?

Phillip Hodson
Wednesday 17 September 2008 00:00
Comments

We may celebrate living in a politically correct society, but there's one realm that still holds out against the sociocultural dictats of liberalism, one last arena unconquered by what the Pope calls the "dictatorship of relativism". Yes, it's the private head space of the human mind. You can pay all the lip service you like to the multicultural and metrosexual ideal, but in your heart of hearts do you still harbour the taboos and prejudices of yesteryear? Answer these questions as honestly as you can. Tick ONE answer per question.

1. Swept up in the dancing at a carnival you find yourself hoisted onto a Gay Pride float, manned by a troupe of lesbian Freddie Mercury look-alikes wearing nothing but leather chaps. Do you:

a. Hurl yourself into the crowd and flee

b. Strip off your top, push your way to the front of the float and shake your "booty"

c. Keep out of sight at the back of the crowded float and self-consciously jig along to the beat

d. Get your friends to take a couple of smiling pictures and then dismount

2. Your 17-year-old son brings home a guy he met at a friend's house. You see them kissing, and then he asks if his new pal can stay over tonight. Do you:

a. Let his friend stay but only if they sleep in different rooms

b. Decide that he's old enough to make his own choices and agree to let them share a bed

c. Throw the friend out on the street, and tell your son that he's broken your heart

d. Point out that it's a school night and he still has to do his homework

3. Your white British sister phones from Pakistan to tell you she's met the love of her life. Do you:

a. Secretly hope she's met some ex-pat white guy

b. Worry that she'll have to convert to Islam and begin wearing a full burka when she gets back to Britain

c. Start fantasising about an exotic Asian wedding with henna, bhangra music and lots of dancing

d. Point out that her would-be in-laws will never accept her, so why should you accept him

4. Your new neighbours blithely inform you that they are swingers. Do you:

a. Ask them for some hilarious party anecdotes

b. Ask your partner if he/she wants to go to one of your neighbours' parties

c. Avoid their company

d. Move house

5. A drunken gay friend starts to recount in graphic detail his visit to an after-hours sauna party called "Fists of Fury". Do you:

a. Stop him before he goes into any further detail

b. Continue to listen in mounting but prurient horror

c. Quiz him in depth about the exact mechanics of his exploits

d. For a moment fantasise about doing something similar

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