Valentine's Day: How to know if your partner is 'The One' before proposing, according to a relationship counsellor

Relate counsellor Ammanda Major explains how to know whether you have found "The One"

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Let’s paint a picture. You’ve been together for a while. It feels like you "get" each other. The sex is great, and people tell you that you make the perfect couple. You can even tolerate their rather demanding and opinionated aunt. Everything is going well, and with Valentine’s Day looming you’ve been having sleepless nights wondering if now might be the right time to propose.

Of course underneath all these questions lurks an even bigger one - “How can I be sure I’ve found ‘The One’”?

Knowing you’re with someone who you can share your problems with is one of the top signs that you’ve found the right person, according to The Way We Are Now 2015 study by Relate, Marriage Care and Relationships Scotland.

When respondents were asked to pick their top three signs of commitment in a relationship, the most commonly identified were exclusivity and getting married, with sharing problems coming out top across all age groups (50 per cent of respondents put it in their top three). Not rocket science really, as most of us seek a one to oneness that helps us feel loved and special.

The other side to this is that tricky business of accepting that a partner may not be perfect. At one level, we all know that ‘The One’ may have traits that don’t always suit us. Part of loving someone is accepting this and expecting them to do the same.

But rushing into big decisions like marriage, civil partnership or even cohabiting means you’re in deep before you’ve been able to get a clear picture of the other person and what you can actually tolerate. The old adage that the reasons we marry are often the same as the reason we divorce is true; relationship therapists sometimes find themselves working with couples where the rush to formalise a relationship has resulted in so much pain and distress.

Pressure to propose can come from all directions. Family, friends and even the celebrity culture can all make us feel that we should be taking certain steps and often doing them in a particular way. But we are better off working out for ourselves what feels right. Perhaps you aren’t actually that keen to get married but you are feeling pressure from elsewhere.Marriage is a big commitment so if this is the case you may want to reconsider rather than risk regretting it.

Relationship doubts can be scary, so if you are having them then it’s a good idea to focus on some key points.

Firstly, can you talk to your partner easily? Do you both listen to each other and not make assumptions? So many relationship issues could be sorted if couples could regain a basic curiosity in what their partner is saying to them. Few things hurt more than talking to the person you thought was your nearest and dearest and yet knowing they’ve stopped listening to you years ago. Of course the caveat to this is that you may have been saying the same thing in the same way for years too, so good communication needs to work both ways.

Secondly, are you are able to regularly check out with each other that you’re meeting each other’s needs? Thirdly, do you have the same values? We’re not talking about the little things like whether you like the same TV programmes but the really important things that matter to you. Can you agree to disagree or does one of you always have to be the winner?

Another big question to ask is whether you both want kids. You’d be surprised to hear how many couples we speak to at Relate who have got married before having any conversations about children, only to discover later down the line that they want different things. If we’re thinking of suggesting a big commitment but haven’t considered all these points, perhaps this should tell any of us that it’s a tad too soon to be making any grand gestures.

But, if you’re still thinking that the person you’re with fits your bill, whether you propose something on Valentine’s Day or any other day is not the issue. The important thing is knowing if you have found someone who agrees that, together, you can face life’s difficulties, be confidantes and perhaps lovers (although if you both agree, sex isn’t necessary for a very happy relationship) and be able to share those milestone moments that define most of our lives.

If you’ve got that, why limit yourself to thinking that a particular day of the year is the best time to declare it? Be bold. A wet Monday morning in September will do the trick just as well.

Ammanda Major is a relationship counsellor and Senior Consultant on Sex Therapy at Relate. She has a regular agony aunt column on the Relate website ‘Ask Ammanda’, which deals with common relationship and sexual problems.