Poetic licence

A new wonder-drug is taking the US by storm. Thousands of prescriptions have been issued for Viagra, which causes sustained erections even in cases of long-term impotency. Viagra may be available in Britain soon.

New Lead for Old Pencils

Give thanks to modern science

And three tumescent cheers

This drug refreshes partners

Who haven't worked for years

Like Mr B from Chelmsford

Whose sex life was a wreck

But now needs wire and wing nuts

To keep himself in check

Watch pale in the moonlight

The ageing swain's success;

His bed looks like a cub-tent

He proudly utters: "Yess!"

His paramour beside him

Lies blushing in her gown

And tentatively asks him

What time the thing goes down.

"Eventually my darling."

He gives a modest cough

"That is, at least, I hope so.

The quilt keeps falling off."

The bingo hall's deserted

Allotments overgrown

You have to use a crowbar

When Darby gets with Joan

And at the British Legion

The police know in advance

They wait with water cannon

Whenever there's a dance

While chambermaids in Frinton

Now issue freezing spoons

To victims of Viagra

On perma-honeymoons

They lumber from their coaches

Engorged to say the least

And cannot wait till bedtime

To make the two-backed beast

But quite apart from nookie

Or frightening the cat

We may have found a new place

For man to hang his hat

Martin Newell