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The 55 phrases gay men most often go through...

John Lyttle
Friday 22 August 1997 00:02 BST

They said it couldn't be done! They were right! So we're running a tally of the 55 most tired retorts, truth-free truisms and tart one- liners from gay life instead! Based on an unrepresentative sample of drug- crazed Muscle Marys, Men Who Love Too Much Cologne and sad bitches with cold sores and nothing better to do than fill in questionnaires! Perfect material for cruising up and down, up and down, up and down Old Compton Street! To create a specious sense of excitement, we're proceeding in reverse order and sprinkling tons of exclamation marks!

55 I was the make-up artist on Evita

54 You look like death. Is it Versace?

53 In bed by twelve, home by three

52 Oh that's cold!

51 Don't ask, don't tell (Erroneously thought to be a policy concerning disclosure of homosexuality in the US military, actually what gay men mutter when interrogated about their age)

50 You have five hours to stop licking my face

49 From Monday to Friday my body is a temple. From Friday to Sunday, a ruin

48 You're never alone with a clone/He cruises like the Titanic/I saw him at the gym... (Narrow eyes, purse lips, crook little finger meaningfully)

47 Dorothy, lose the dress - but keep the shoes

46 It's not homophobia. Everyone hates you

45 If you can't live without me, how come you're not dead yet?

44 Tighter! Tighter!

43 Bigger! Bigger! (See above)

42 It might look better in leather (Occasionally even said of clothes)

41 Get your tongue out of my mouth, I'm kissing you goodbye

40 Brace yourself, bitch (First of many "Sweet Nothings", emphasis on the nothing. Can you spot them all?)

39 I don't know if I can be faithful to you in prison

38 Oh God, oh God, hide, it's my boyfriend

37 I've had him (Q: Why does this always sound like a put-down?)

36 Slave, what do you say to your Lord and Master?

35 That'll be another 50 quid, dearie (See above)

34 Don't go there (Translation: drop the subject now)

33 This old thing? I've had it for days

32 Don't talk, you're spoiling it

31 Hey! Rap, rap. Hurry up! Rap, rap. Look, there are people out here who actually want to use the toilet! Rap, rap, rap, rap

30 Well, one of us has to be the Top

29 Do you do threesomes? (Translation: the speaker fancies your boyfriend)

28 How many Es did you do last night? /I did * Es last night (Fill in the blank space). See also: I'm so off my face/Are you coming up?/Are you throwing up?/I love this song!/I can feel the music inside me!/Assorted gibberish etc

27 If you ever leave me, I will hunt you down and kill you

26 You're the first/l've never done this before/Be gentle with me (Don't believe it: you're talking to the biggest tramp since Chaplin)

25 Let's see how it goes (Translation: ready, steady, dumped)

24 Look, he was dead - how can you be jealous?

23 He's terribly butch. He gets it from his mother

22 Do you have it in black?/I'll take it in all the other colours/Not the chiffon - it wrinkles so easily

21 Could you ring back? I have to keep this line open for sex

20 Style is like the clap. You've either got it or you haven't. And I've got it

19 Gosh, handcuffs! What are those for? (Note: this could be the last thing you ever say)

18 Wow. That was so... professional

17 I like my coffee the way I like my men

16 I'm sorry sir, we don't serve Camp coffee (See above)

15 We should stop. I smell burning

14 I'm not ready for a relationship at the moment... Well, not with you

13 Actually, I'm straight

12 Get real/Get a life/Get her/Get dressed/Get over it/Girlfriend!/Go girl!

11 Can I borrow your poppers?

10 Oh please (Homosexual for "no")

9 Anonymous sex means never having to say you're sorry

8 This face leaves at midnight. Be on it

7 I've been hurt before

6 I think you may be mistaking me for someone who gives a shit (See above)

5 Do you want to sleep with other people?

4 Yes/No (See above)

3 I guess we'll have to break up then (See a therapist)

2 Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing

1 (Yawn) What did you say your name was again? (Yawn)

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