They wish you a tacky Christmas: A hand-picked selection of the finest festive rubbish, lovingly

TASTE-FREE TOYS

Harassment, a board game - from America, naturally - for the insufferably politically correct to judge male behaviour. It includes 156 case histories, 312 arguments and one scoreboard. TDC Games, pounds 15.50 from Hamleys, Virgin, Athena and The Reject Shop (branches nationwide).

Screaming Kevin doll (cashing in on Home Alone hype) shrieks horribly when a button is pushed in its back. pounds 2.99 from Covent Garden General Stores (London, 071-836 5051, and branches).

Vile Stinkhorn fires stench from various orifices (including nostrils) at the hapless Manta Men; pack also includes his 'swamp jet' vehicle, two decomposed Manta corpses and a copious supply of pongy green stench. Bluebird Toys, pounds 11.99 from major stores.

Psycho Knife, a murderer's practice kit, emits a battery- operated scream when the blade retracts. The last stanza of accompanying rhyme on the box reads: 'Complete your best prank without any strife, Give everyone the scare of his life, For a really good time, get your own Psycho Knife'. Around pounds 7.50. Stockists include Macdonalds of Glasgow, Cascade in London and joke shops nationwide.

Lucy Lou the Magic Potty Baby: when she is jammed down hard on her flushable pot it fills up with a bright yellow trickle. Bluebird Toys, pounds 29.99 from major stores.

CRUDE BUT CHRISTMASSY

Clockwise from top:

For the gastronomically challenged: a roll of Santa toilet paper. Around pounds 2.50 from branches of Paperchase and major department stores.

Potty Pot Shots, a puerile game for boys who never grew up, involves floating target paper ships in the loo and aiming to either sink or manoeuvre. A squirt gun is included for girls. pounds 4.99 from Covent Garden General Stores (London and branches).

Squeaky boxer shorts, with strategic padded holly leaf which squeaks when prodded. pounds 8.95 mail order from Prezzies (0572 813038).

Drunken Bums, a horribly realistic-looking box of nine chocolate almost-liqueurs (with just a hint of rum, whisky or Cointreau), shaped like bottoms. Around pounds 4.75, stockists include Cascade in Oxford Street, London W1, Wizzard in Liverpool, Athena shops. Ring Spencer and Fleetwood (081-543 2288) for other stockists.

PREPOSTEROUS PRESENTS

Canine tracksuit for the sporting dog: from pounds 10.22 to pounds 33.77 from pet shops - or contact Cosipet (0308 68986). Worn with peaked hunting hat, pounds 4.50 from The Leading Edge stores (London and branches).

Magic cat soap: exposed to the air it grows 'a dense fur of fine and silky hair'. pounds 2.20 mail order from Hawkin & Co (0986 82458/82468).

Christmas Day Survival Kit is a tube containing, among other things, dark glasses, indigestion tablets, and marbles 'for when you lose yours'. pounds 6.99 from The Reject Shop, or ring Bear Bear and Bear for other stockists on 0572 812180.

Sterling silver motorcycle helmet, for the most pretentious rider on the road. pounds 4,695 to order from Mappin & Webb (071-734 5842).

Anatomy nightshirt with detailed, gruesome drawing of skeleton, arteries and organs. pounds 16.95 mail order from Einsteins (0800 585 207)

Sports car-shaped slippers (centre), with battery-operated headlights which switch on when the feet are inserted, for those too hung-over to find their own way to the bathroom in the dark. pounds 19.95 mail order from Innovations (0793 514666).

CHRONIC CRACKERS

Most pathetic crackers: box of 10 from Covent Garden General Stores: each has a very sad paper hat, motto and unidentifiable plastic gift. But at pounds 2.50 they are the cheapest]

Most boring crackers: two Bathroom Crackers made from facecloths. Each contains soap, bubble bath, shower cap and emery board. Just what you never hoped for. pounds 9.99 from The Reject Shop.

Most excruciating crackers: Bruce Forsyth's Generation Game crackers. Each contains hat, slightly off-colour Brucie joke, and instructions for playing the ghastly game at home. pounds 9.99 for 10, from major stores and supermarkets.

CRINGE-MAKING CARDS

From the office crawler: Because You're So Nice To Work With - 'Wishing you all the season's best/ And wanting you to know/ It's always a pleasure to work with you,/ And a pleasure to tell you so.'

From the dog: a Special Christmas Wish 'Woof] Woof] I'm so excited] I'm afraid I just can't wait/ to send this special Christmas wish/ To hope your day is great]'

For squidgy lovers: 'This Christmas, let's remember how romantic it can be curled up together by the fire, while Christmas lights glow in the dark. Let's enjoy the special feeling of just holding each other close and making plans for the brand-new year ahead. Let's make the season as cosy and warm and as filled with romance, as our first Christmas together.'

From the family hypochondriac: 'For you, Doctor, At Christmas Time'.

(Photographs omitted)