Mom uses ‘time-in’ instead of ‘time-out’ to discipline her child: ‘This is exactly how I raise my kids’

‘This is so therapeutic for me,’ one viewer writes in the comments.

Amber Raiken
New York
Thursday 13 January 2022 17:41
Comments

A mother has shared that instead of disciplining her child with a “time out”, she uses a more soothing approach called a “time-in.”

In a TikTok video posted last month, parent Destini Ann shared how she communicates with her daughter when she misbehaves.

“I don’t use time-outs,” the text over the clip explained. “So this is an example of a time-in.”

“Phee was throwing markers at her sister,” the text continued. “But I didn’t send her away (time-out) ... we went away to calm down together (time-in).”

Throughout the video, Ann held her daughter, as she repeated each phrase that her mom was saying.

“This is my mouth,” And first said to her child. “I control my mouth. These are my hands. I control my hands. This is my body. I control my body.”

After this “time-in” and once her daughter “calms down”, Ann said that she uses other forms of “age appropriate discipline”, which includes songs, stories, or more “repeat-after-me” chants.

“Remember genuine self-soothing is developed through secure attachments and modeling, not isolation,” the text in the clip continued.

The clip then ends with Ann asking Phee if she’s ready to go back to play and she says yes.

“This is my mouth! These are my hands,” Ann wrote in the caption.

This TikTok video has over 816.k views so far, with users in the comments applauding Ann for her parenting skills.

“This is so therapeutic for me,” one wrote. “I was raised in an abusive home and this just feels like so much healing. you’re an amazing parent.”

“This is everything. We must break the toxicity we were raised under. Love this,” another viewer added.

Viewers also expressed how much they want to communicate with their children as Ann does and how this is a form of gentle parenting, which focuses on encouraging the qualities one wants in their child and using age-appropriate discipline.

“As a mother of 5 Neuro-divergent kids, I simply adore this approach.” a viewer wrote in the comments. “Gentle parenting.”

“This is exactly how I raise my kids and teach, but never have said it this way,” another wrote. “I dearly love everything about it. You taught her so much.”

A few days later, Ann shared a follow-up video responding to a comment that asked if her daughter apologised or took responsibility for hitting her sister. The clip began with Ann putting her daughter on her lap and telling her a story about how Phee hurt her sister’s feelings.

“I don’t force apologies. I teach accountability,” the text over the video reads. “Storytelling is a great teaching tool. I start with empathising with her.”

Phee then took accountability for hitting her sibling and Ann asked her how to fix it. However, Ann decided to ask her daughter again later once she calmed down.

“I always sprinkle joy and laughter,” the text continues. “AND I always return to the lesson until she gets it.”

Ann noted that after fifteen minutes of talking to her daughter, she was ready to apologise to her sister for her actions.

While speaking to The Independent, Ann explained why she doesn’t use “time-outs”.

“As I went on my own self-development journey I realized the importance of emotional regulation and how that is a slow gentle process just like building a muscle,” she said. I realized that I didn’t have much help in my childhood learning to regulate my emotions and I wanted to show up as that “emotional coach” for my kids. I knew I couldn’t do that if I pushed them away or sent them away when they were having difficulty with regulating their emotions. So timeout was an absolute no-go for me!”

She also detailed how “time-ins” helped her child understand discipline. “It took a while for me to find the balance between showing compassion and still teaching her the lesson,” she explained. “But I think that time-ins have taught her that no matter what, I’m here to support her. It’s shown her that we can get through challenges together. AND, it’s shown her that while I will always show her love, grace, and compassion, I still expect her to try her best to respect the limits we have in our home!”

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