What the well-heeled homosexual really, really wants this Christmas

All five Spice Girls dolls: Grumpy, Bleached, Butch, Stuck-Up and Common

All four Teletubbies dolls: Judy Finnegan, Dale Winton, Christopher Biggins, Vanessa Feltz

Just one evening dishing the dirt with Anne Atkins's daughter

Advance copy of "Whigfield II"

A year's supply of eyelash dye

An end to the worldwide plague that is ... bobbling. And - what else? There was something ... Oh, yes. I remember. A cure for Aids (note: order of importance has been reversed)

Anything and everything in matt black

A high metabolism

An Irony Lady, ie a lady who comes in once a week to do the irony, saving the busy homosexual the bother of having to do it himself

That little special something delivered to your door by Securicor

The entire set of Teenage Mutant Ninja Cross-Dressers

Mud: for bath, body, face and flinging

Action Man with gripping hands

GI Joe: so Action Man has something to do with his gripping hands

Novelty condoms - the sort that play "Jingle Bells" or taste of mince pie or have a tip that lights up like Rudolph's nose. Perfect for your heterosexual siblings who, trust me, need all the novelty they can get

Barrel of Immac

DIY sex-change kit. Basically a pair of scissors, a frying-pan and a personalised horoscope from the pen of Russell Grant (one-year guarantee on working parts)

Big black book for the many, many, many names and telephone numbers you'd otherwise be too drunk/too high/too damn fabulous to remember

Any Oasis album - so there'll always be something in the house no one will give a toss about burning if this cold snap continues

Norman Tebbit voodoo figure. Pins not included

Gaggia ice-cream machine

Gaggia stomach pump

Barbie's combined dream house and lesbian disco

Strategically placed tattoo, "no smaller than 12pt, in a distinctive or bold typeface", proclaiming "Abandon hope all ye who enter here", as specified by recent European directive

Club mix of "I Lost my Heart to a Starship Trooper"

Fun fur. Stole, muff, chubby coat ... It's the thought that counts. And perish the thought

Pink Power Ranger

Thong/sling/nipple-ring/Prince Albert. (Readers wishing to know what a Prince Albert is, please send sae, with parents' written consent, to John Lyttle, "The Independent", etc)

Mapplethorpe/Weber/Hockney prints: the sort that must be removed from the walls in advance of visits from Mummy, Daddy or any New Labour MP

Snow (to be taken internally)

Gilded mirror. It's the gift that just keeps on giving

Gianni Versace's Miami mansion ... Oh, please - like it wasn't on the market the very next day

M&S underwear

S&M underwear

Wallet-sized Identikit photo of Tony Blair's hairdresser. Available from Interpol, Scotland Yard, "The X Files"

Girl Power

Will power

Big, baggy, woollen cardigan, beige or brown or covered with what shop assistants have been trained to call "a cheerful pattern", ie offending article appears to have dropped too much acid during the Sixties. A vital addition to your wardrobe if you're still passing for straight

Christmas stocking(s). A vital addition to your wardrobe if you're over passing for straight

Soap on a rope (for the rope, dummy)

Affidavit stating that every boyfriend you've ever had has seen the error of his ways, sobs uncontrollably into his pillow each night and wants you back in his rather under-developed arms. Signed in blood (this affidavit does not affect your statutory rights)

Bath cubes. They're fun!

Peace and goodwill to all men. Particularly the type who has the class to ring next day - whoever he is

A reason to believe (see above)