When the tills ring out very bad tidings indeed ...

What we don't want for Christmas ... a man writes

1. Socks - we can buy our own, thanks. We're big boys now.

2. Handkerchiefs - if we use them we've got too many already; if we don't, we'll put them in the bottom of a drawer until the day we need something to wipe some oil off our hands.

3. Toiletry gift sets - every boy gets a Hai Karate talc 'n' after shave combo at 16, and once is enough. Really.

4. A drill - well, do women want an iron?

5. Driving gloves - only Nigel Mansell and men who drive with hats on wear them.

6. Nasal hair trimmer - yes, we all need them but we don't want to be told.

7. Garden kneeling pad - next stop, the Zimmer frame.

8. Big bumper jumbo road atlas of Britain - great, then we can spend all Boxing Day discussing whether to take the A7548 or B6924 via the Shagley bypass.

9. Car vacuum cleaners - no need: we go to the special, secret topless vacuuming centre that all men know about. Just kidding.

10. Monogrammed shirts - our colleagues already know we're jerks; they don't need it spelt out.

What we don't want for Christmas... a woman writes

1. A Body Shop gift basket - it bears the message: I barely know you and here's the gift I give every female every year.

2. Perfume - one man's fragrance is another woman's whiff.

3. A make-up set featuring 40 lurid shades of eyeshadow - used as wall paint when six years old, thank you.

4. A recording of Tammy Wynette's "Stand By Your Man" - some of us just don't want to. Got it?

5. A leather manicure set - nails, especially toenails, are taboo. And men, remember the line, "He who casts the first stone"? In other words, get those football toenails sorted out first, OK.

6. A dressing gown - invariably a dowdy and duck me woollen affair. Creates low self-esteem.

7. A vacuum cleaner - choose a more subtle way to end the relationship.

8. The Great Book of Hugs - not all females are brainless, soppy pushovers. Hint: some may prefer the real thing.

9. Silk headscarf - Are all men colour-blind, or do they just want women to look like the Queen on a psychedelic high?

10. Suspenders - we'd rather have the dressing gown.